Calvin and Hobbes Get XTREME!
by garfieldodie
Summary: A series of stories that involve Calvin and Hobbes getting XTreme! From simple camping trips and Calvinball to triathlons and skiing, it's nothing but sweat for the dynamic duo. Complete!
1. Ironkid

Calvin was sitting in his room with Hobbes and reading comic books.

"Have you ever noticed that superheroes usually only do the same thing each time they appear?" Calvin asked. "All they ever do is stop some power mad supervillain from taking over the world! They need to do something different. I mean, it must get boring."

"Yeah!" Hobbes agreed. "The heroes could write to the editor and request new plots. If they refuse, the editors get fried and killed."

"Hmm, I think I see the problem."

They heard Dad walk in the front door. "I did it!" he said excitedly.

Calvin and Hobbes looked at each other and ran downstairs. They nearly bumped into Dad.

"You finally got us a Big Screen TV with surround sound and a DVD Player?" Calvin asked excitedly.

"Of course not," Dad said. "I signed up to be in the triathlon!"

Calvin's face fell. "What's so great about that?"

"Calvin, this is no ordinary triathlon," Dad said. "This is the Mona Kona Ironman Triathlon in Hawaii!"

Calvin's eyes swelled up with excitement once again. "Hawaii?" he cried. "That's even better than a big screen! The hotels have them! When do we leave?"

"Your mother and I are going," Dad said. "_You're _staying here with Rosalyn for the week."

Calvin paused until he burst out yelling, "AAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHH!"

"Actually, dear," Mom said, "Calvin's going to have to come. Rosalyn said she'd rather watch after a rabid wolverine than baby-sit Calvin again."

Dad leaned over and whispered to her, "Dear, this is supposed to be our alone time. Can't we triple pay her?"

"Then we won't be able to pay for the plane tickets. Besides, I'll keep Calvin in the hotel room. It won't be so bad."

Calvin grinned at the stuffed tiger sitting next to him. "Look out, Hawaii! Here come Calvin and Hobbes!" he yelled. He ran upstairs to pack.

"Somehow, I think we should send Hawaii a notice," Dad sighed.

Up in their room, Calvin had packed everything they'd need into his bag. "Lucky for you, don't have to ride it this time. I'm gonna let you see the sights on _this _plane trip."

Hobbes jumped up from the bed and hugged him. "Bless you!"

"Okay, you're hugging me while I'm packing my Captain Maim comic books," he said. Hobbes released him. "Besides, we need to prepare the triathlon."

"What do you mean?"

Calvin put his fingers in his ears as he said, "I signed up for the triathlon."

"WHHHHAAAATTT?" Hobbes hollered. "Why would _you_ enter something like that? You _hate_ sports! This is going to involve running, swimming, and, worst of all, bike riding."

Calvin cringed. "I know." He hated riding a bike. "But it won't be a killer bike. My bike is the only one on the planet who'll do that, thank goodness. Besides, do you know what the prize is? A symbolic key to the islands."

"What does that mean?"

"It means that for a whole week the winner could go anywhere and do anything on the islands—for _free_! It's almost as good as getting a wish from a genie, except then I could wish all girls to Siberia. Still, this is the next best thing—and I know just what I'll do when I win!"

"How do you plan to train?" Hobbes asked.

"Who said anything about training?" Calvin scoffed. "How tough can a triathlon be? If my dad can do it, anyone with half a muscle can do it."

Hobbes looked at Calvin's scrawny body. "Yeah, you must have half a muscle in there somewhere."

"Shut up," Calvin grunted.

As the week before the trip progressed, Dad trained and worked hard, while Calvin simply watched television and read comics. Of course, he was wise to not tell his parents that he had entered.

Soon, they were off the plane in Hawaii and in the hotel around eight at night.

"Thank goodness!" Calvin said. He jumped onto the bed. "For a minute there, I was afraid we were going to camp out on the beach."

"I hate hotels," Dad grumped. "They're too—"

"Oh, come off it," Calvin said. "We have unlimited room service because you're in the triathlon, we have cable TV, we have a beautiful view of the beach and we're in perfectly soft beds. What could be bad about this place?"

Dad, defeated, collapsed on the bed.

"See you in the morning, dear," Mom said, and she went to the bathroom.

Calvin turned to Hobbes. "What say we get a good night's sleep for the triathlon tomorrow?" he said.

"Agreed," Hobbes said.

They got into bed and turned out the light. A few minutes later, after Mom and Dad were asleep, they got up again.

"I'm bored. Wanna go to the pool?" Calvin asked.

"Sure, why not?" Hobbes said.

They put on their swimsuits, put some extra pillows and suitcases under their sheets and went swimming for about an hour. It was lucky for them that they didn't need adult supervision, and they had to leave when the pool closed. Luckily, they fell right to sleep when they got back in bed.

The next morning, everyone in the state was at the starting line for the triathlon. Dad was wearing his uniform with his number penciled on his leg. Calvin had on his own outfit and had his number, but made sure no one noticed it.

"Good luck, dear," Mom said, kissing him.

Calvin rolled his eyes and carefully snuck through the crowd with Hobbes. He stood at the starting line. No one noticed them.

"Well, good luck," Hobbes said, shaking his friend's hand. "And it's been nice knowing you." He started to leave.

Calvin grabbed his tail. "You're coming, Hobbes."

"What do you mean, 'I'm coming'?"

"I mean that you're going to run and swim and bike ride and get sweaty. Here's your sweatband."

Hobbes took it, but not willingly. "You expect me to run? I'm roasting as it is already in this fur coat."

"Well, that'll teach you that tigers aren't flawless in Hawaii. Come on, Hobbes! I need your help on this one!"

"Fine, fine," Hobbes said. "But if I even break a sweat, you're buying me tuna."

"We'll have all the tuna you want after we win the key to the islands, buddy."

Soon, everyone was in line.

"Calvin, where are you?" Mom called out.

"On your marks, get set, go!" a man shouted.

Everyone poured out of the starting line and down the road.

About an hour of running, Dad was fighting to stay in the race. His lungs and legs ached. His feet slammed down on the ground as if they were bricks against the roadway. Still, he managed a smile as a short runner with someone orange right next to him rumbled past him, leaving a trail of sweat.

"That little fireplug seems to have sprung a lead," Dad joked to himself. Then he looked again. "Hey!" he cried. "That's no fireplug. That was my kid! Calvin, what are you doing in the race?"

"Trying to survive it, what else?" Calvin called as he and Hobbes ran off down the road and disappeared.

"I haven't just broken a sweat," Hobbes gasped. "I've shattered it and broken to a million pieces."

"Well, get ready to regain some moisture," Calvin observed. "We're coming to the swimming part."

"You can't swim!" Hobbes gasped.

They dashed to the dock and stopped. Calvin grinned as he pulled out his duffle bag. "I never like this thing and there's nothing else in here, so we'll just leave it here."

"What's in it?"

Calvin pulled out an inner tube and quickly inflated it. Then he pulled out an outboard motor.

"How on earth…?" Hobbes started.

"I don't have to explain anything I don't know the answer to," Calvin said.

They attached the motor to the inner tube in about a minute and were soon bobbing lazily up and down in the water while everyone else plowed through. The motor was fast enough to keep them ahead, plus they were wary of the blade, so no one went near them.

"Brains beat brawn every time, I suppose," Hobbes sighed.

"This is my grueling competition," Calvin said. "A little sun…cool water…my best friend…a monster shark…a scared sea gull… Wait a minute. A MONSTER SHARK!" he shouted.

The two friends shot up in the tube and flipped into the water as the inner tube exploded between the shark's giant jaws.

Hobbes, scared out of his mind, was speeding away like a speedboat. Calvin hung onto his tail like a water skier! "Wahoo!" he cheered.

To everyone else, they saw a kid holding onto a stuffed tiger and _he _was swimming in fear. He practically bounced on top of the water like a skipping stone for 2.4 miles across the bay.

They collided with the beach.

"Fearless beast my buttocks," Calvin teased.

"Laugh if you want," Hobbes sneered. "Fear is a great motivator." He stood up slowly and knocked the sand out of his ears.

Calvin stood up with him and brushed himself off as he pulled a slightly soggy piece of paper out of his pocket. "Okay, we survived the first two parts of the triathlon. Now all we need to do is get on our bicycle and pedal for…112 miles! Are they crazy? I can't do it! My posterior will be paralyzed for life."

"So we're giving up?" Hobbes asked hopefully.

"No way, Hobbes," Calvin said. "I desperately need to win the key to the islands, and my greed is even stronger than my will to whine."

"Well, you didn't need to tell _me_ that," Hobbes snorted.

Grumbling, Calvin hopped onto the handlebars while Hobbes got on the seat and pedaled. Calvin couldn't reach the pedals.

The first part of the bike race followed a steep and winding course up the slope of Mt. Mona Kona, an ancient, but active, volcano. Calvin and Hobbes were soon in trouble.

"I can't go on," Hobbes gasped. "My legs fell mushier than your brain."

"Shut up and keep trying," Calvin sighed. He was sweating like crazy.

But then Calvin noticed Dad riding just ahead of them. They got an idea. They switched sides. Calvin sat on the seat while Hobbes reached out and slipped a claw through Dad's shirttail. Unaware that he was now towing a heavy trailer, Dad strained against the pedals of his bike.

"If only I can get to the top of the mountain," Dad grunted.

"I'd help," Calvin sighed, "but I didn't bring my whip." Dad didn't hear.

With tremendous effort, Dad reached the summit at last. There the trail took a sharp turn. Dad's shirttail ripped away.

"I feel a crash coming on," Calvin whimpered, as they bounced off the road and over the lip of the volcano.

They bounced, bumped and skidded down the inside of the crater, finally approaching the mouth of the volcano. Calvin bounced next to it, but Hobbes got stuck like a cork.

"Help! Get me out!" Hobbes cried. "I don't look good in lava!"

Calvin quickly tried to pull him out, but with Hobbes blocking the volcano's mouth, there was no way for the hot air to escape. Pressure began to build inside the mountain. The crater started to tremble. Then, with a great roar, Mt. Mona Kona belched Hobbes out of the volcano. Calvin, still holding onto him, flew with him.

Several miles and a thousand screams later, they landed in a palm tree…just across the finish line of the bike race.

"We did it!" Calvin said excitedly. "We survived the third leg. All we have to now is..." He pulled out the piece of paper. "Run _26 miles_! No way! This violates all the rules of laziness! I demand an investigation! I demand a lawyer! I demand directions to the latest luau!"

"Come on, Calvin," Hobbes groaned. "We've gotten this far. Let's not quit now!"

Calvin was so desperate to get the key to the islands that he got back into the race.

It was torture for both of them. Calvin's sweat poured from him like Hobbes' drool whenever you mentioned tuna. His heart was exploding like the turkey Mom cooked last Thanksgiving. Hobbes' tail was dragging like a day in Miss Wormwood's class. And that was just the first mile!

"I wanna lie down, I wanna lie down," Calvin whined. "I want first prize, but I mostly wanna lie down."

Calvin and Hobbes struggled a few more miles, only to collapse.

"That's it," Calvin wheezed. "I'm wiped out. I'm through. The sweat stops here.'

"Touché," Hobbes groaned.

As they sprawled on the pavement, several runners passed them, including a 102-year-old sailor with a peg leg, a sweaty sumo wrestler—and Dad, who was now on all fours.

"Something tells me I'm not in the lead," Calvin sighed.

Calvin's chances of winning the race were about the same as Hobbes getting a job. But just when all looked lost, the exhausted boy heard a noise behind him. He turned around and saw a boy riding toward him on a skateboard. Though Calvin's body was stalled, his brain immediately shifted into overdrive.

"It's fate, Hobbes," Calvin said, helping his friend to his feet. "Here come our ticket to victory!"

As they boy passed by, Calvin made his move.

"Excuse us, young man," Calvin said as he bumped the boy from the skateboard. "We're borrowing this for a good cause—'cause we need it!"

"Calvin, this thing doesn't work like the wagon," Hobbes said.

"Yeah, so you might want to keep your tail safe," Calvin said.

They sat on the skateboard on the slope, pushed hard and raced away.

"Let the good times roll!" Calvin cried.

"Next stop…the finish line!" Hobbes added.

They rolled downward. Within moments, Calvin and Hobbes started to go faster and faster…and faster…and faster!

"Yee-ha!" Calvin yelled. "I'm built for speed!" And indeed, their great weight was causing them to accelerate down the hill. The two friends were soon red and orange blurs, streaking past—and through—the runners ahead of them. They nearly ran into Dad!

"Outta my way, slowpokes!" they cried. "We're 'Lords of the Board' and we rule the road!"

On they zoomed, mile after mile, passing runner after runner, till at last he spied the finish line far in the distance. Unfortunately, a few runners were already nearing the line.

"It's hopeless," said Calvin. "We'll never catch them. It's impossib—"

CLONK! Suddenly, Calvin's skateboard smacked into a tortoise crossing the road! The impact instantly sent Calvin and Hobbes rocketing through the air.

Seconds later, they landed behind the runners and, like a bowling ball, bashed into them, toppling them like bowling pins. Calvin rolled across the finish line and finally came to a stop at the judge's feet.

"I won!" Calvin cried. "I won! Hobbes, get up! We won!"

"Sorry, kid," the judge said, "but you're going to have to be in the race to actually win."

"But I _am_! See?" He pointed at the number on his leg. "I'm number 1½!"

The judge smiled. "Ladies and gentlemen," announced the judge, "we have our winner." The judge helped Calvin and his stuffed tiger up, then presented them with the grand prize, the key to the islands. The crowd cheered as Calvin hoisted the plastic key over his head.

"Do you have anything to say?" the judge asked.

"Yeah, alert all the food outlets and gift shops on the islands," Calvin replied. "Hurricane Calvin and Hobbes are on the way!"

For the week that followed, Calvin and Hobbes had the time of their lives eating free pizza and ice cream and getting all the souvenirs they wanted.

Mom and Dad were mad. Not because Calvin had joined the triathlon to begin with, but because they had to drive Calvin around the islands to all these places for a week.


	2. Calvin in the Rough

Dante's Inferno listed seven levels of Hell. Calvin's were as follows: Waking up early on a Saturday, sitting in the car for 2½ listening Dad rattle on about something, riding the canoe, unpacking everything, setting up the tents, failing to make a campfire and then eating dry spam because of it.

Yes, that's right. Calvin's family was going camping…again.

Dad was driving and having a wonderful time, humming a little tune. Mom was next to him, stewing in her own anger. Calvin and Hobbes were in the back, grumbling to themselves about everything.

"Great day for a camping trip, right, everyone?" Dad said.

No one said a word.

"Yessiree, families should do stuff together."

"Good idea," Calvin said. "Let's all get carsick."

"Now, now," Dad said, waving his finger. "Times like this not only build character, they also make us come to realizations."

"You mean like how we can't stand to be cooped up together on a rock in a lake together for a week?" Calvin asked.

"Exactly!" Mom said.

"We're going to have lots of fun," Dad said. "Just like we always do."

"Since when do _we_ have fun?" Calvin asked. "Even _you_ can't stand what you love. Why can't we ever be a normal family and spend summer vacation in a four-star motel with color cable and hot and cold running room service?"

"Yeah, why not?" Mom groaned.

"Let's not start that again," Dad snapped. "We are going to have fun, and that's final!"

"I think he's threatening us," Hobbes whispered to Calvin.

"Just perfect," Calvin snorted. "Another trip to the Island of No Reruns. I can't believe Dad wouldn't let me pack the TV. We probably _do_ have 250 of extension cord."

"He's just a fanatic," Hobbes said. "You know; one of those guys who enjoys to get wet when it rains, freeze at night and get covered in poison ivy."

"Let's not forget his horrible paintings of islands. He's really giving his harmonica skills a run for the running."

"It's going to be fun camping," they heard Dad saying. "You know, I have a feeling nothing's going to spoil this camping trip."

Suddenly, there was a loud BUMP as the car jolted sideways.

"What was _that_?" Mom gasped.

"Let us congratulate Dad," Calvin said. "He's the first man in our family to run over a cow."

"Okay, nothing else can go wrong now," Dad said.

Soon they noticed the car was soon shaking again. Mom looked into the back to find Calvin was boinging in his seat.

"Are you bored, Calvin?" she asked.

"You'll find out how bored I am if I don't get to a restroom soon," Calvin groaned.

"Just hold it till we get there," Dad said. "Just think of something else."

"All I can think of is the Great Flood of '42."

"Oooh, now _I_ have to go," Mom sighed.

So they pulled over at the gas station. Calvin and Mom hurried into the building.

Dad sighed. "Next year, I'll just go by myself."

After Calvin and Mom were done with business and they were on the road again. They arrived at the place to get the canoe.

"Let's get out, get some fresh air and stretch our legs," Dad said.

Mom got out, but Calvin stayed put with his stuffed tiger.

"Come on, Calvin," Dad said impatiently.

"Leave the keys so we can listen to the radio," Calvin said.

"Come on, Calvin," Dad said again. "We need to get out there. It's probably really crowded out there."

"Dad, our car is the only car in the parking lot."

"Well, okay, this was reserved weeks ago, but doggonit, we're gonna have fun. Now get out."

Calvin grabbed Hobbes and slowly got out.

Soon, they were in their canoe. Mom and Dad paddled at either end while Calvin and Hobbes sat in the middle.

"What say we not have a redo of last year's camping trip, huh?" Calvin asked.

"It wasn't so bad last year," Dad said.

"We were attacked by a swarm of locusts and nearly drowned in the lake," Mom said.

"Yes, but it built character."

"Who needs your dumb character when we could have television and internet access?" Calvin snorted.

Dad retorted by splashing Calvin with a splash of the paddle. The boy was soaked.

"Can we leave now?"

"But we just got here!" Dad said.

Indeed, they were at the island.

"I'm having flashbacks," Calvin groaned.

"Come on, Calvin," Dad said. He and Mom stepped out of the canoe. "Let us bask in the sun and sleep with nature's creatures."

Calvin turned to Hobbes. "Translation: 'Let's bake out brains and lie on the ground with bugs and snakes."

"I'm staying," Hobbes said firmly.

"We're staying in the canoe," Calvin said.

"Get out," Dad said. He lifted Calvin and his stuffed tiger out.

"If the canoe isn't here in the morning, it means we struck off for shore."

Dad took out the bags. "Survival is my live, Calvin. Watch me set up camp. First we unpack our food." He took the bag with food in it and dumped it's contents on the ground.

"Then we roll out our sleeping bags." He rolled the bags out on the ground.

"Now we build the campfire." He quickly rubbed to sticks together as he prepared the fire. A small fire started.

"And finally, set up the tents." He gave Calvin his own tent pack.

"Now then, what have I forgotten?" he wondered.

Calvin and Mom looked over at the campsite. The fire had gone out, the sleeping bags were in the bushes and, to Calvin, Hobbes was eating the food they had dumped out.

"To notify our next of kin?" Calvin sighed mournfully.

After everything was fixed, Dad faced the family once more. "Well, everyone, here we are, camping. Isn't this perfect?"

"I disagree," Hobbes whispered to Calvin.

"The tent is perfect, the view is perfect…"

"The running distance from the site to the canoe is perfect," Mom muttered.

"Everything is perfect!" Dad said.

"It's not perfect yet," Calvin said.

They suddenly heard a low rumbling sound from above. Everyone looked up and saw that dark clouds loomed overhead. Lightening flashed and thunder rolled. Rain started pour.

"_Now_ it's perfect," Calvin groaned.

Immediately, after giving Dad a nasty look, everyone scrambled for their tents.

"Don't worry, dear," Dad said to Mom. "This rain will end someday. We just gotta keep a sense of humor."

"I'll never be dry again," Mom groaned.

Dad opened up his duffel bag to take out some clean clothes, but something wet and slimy jumped out and smacked him.

"HEY! THERE'S A CARP IN MY BAG! _CALVIN_!" he hollered.

"Where's your sense of humor?" Mom said teasingly.

As soon as Dad had gotten over his scare, Calvin and Hobbes settled into their tent.

"Man, I can't believe we have to go through with this again," Calvin sighed. "Dad says he's taking me fishing tomorrow."

"I'll be staying here then," Hobbes decided.

"What, and have me suffer alone? You'd be violating GROSS rule number nine hundred and sixty-three: _never desert a fellow member_."

"Okay, fine, but when we get home, I'm changing it to _every man for himself_."

"Whatever. Let's just break out the comic books and relax. Keep a sharp eye out for any wild animals. Those guys at the canoe rental place said there could be bears out here."

"Right," Hobbes said.

Calvin was just about to open his bag when Hobbes yelled. "LOOK! A TIGER!"

"_WHERE_?" Calvin yelled. He leapt up and into the top of the tent, causing it to collapse.

There was a pause before Calvin finally said calmly, "You're just pushing it today, you know that, don't you?"

"What happened out there?" Dad called. He poked his head outside the tent. "Oh, for crying out loud! Calvin, what happened?"

"Hobbes scared me."

"Nice try, Calvin," Dad said. "You're just trying to ruin this trip. The rain is bad enough."

"Just make room," Calvin grunted.

He grabbed onto the tent and carried it along with his stuff in one hand and Hobbes in the other. He left it at the door of the tent and brought everything in.

"Perfect," Dad grunted. "These tents aren't built for three people."

"Fine," Calvin said. "_You_ go out and sleep in the canoe."

"I second that," Mom added sourly.

Dad sighed. "Wait, I just remember that the firewood's getting wet. Calvin, go get it."

"No way," Calvin snorted.

"I SAID, GO GET IT!" Dad hollered, practically turning red.

Calvin grunted. "Okay! Okay!" He went outside.

"You're cruel," Mom snorted, returning to her book.

Calvin returned with a few drenched pieces of wood. "Your firewood, Bwana," Calvin said dryly. Of course, _he _wasn't very dry.

"Oops," Dad said nervously.

Later, Mom and Dad were sound asleep in the night.

Calvin and Hobbes were stuck awake due to the loud noises outside.

"Ooh, Captain Napalm is heading into the alien cave. That's supposed to be wear the alien bats are! They're supposed to be able to rip the flesh off of your bones."

There were bunches of noises against the tent wall.

Calvin quickly dove behind Hobbes back. "It's the alien bats!" he hissed.

"No, it's just the rain."

"It doesn't _sound_ like rain," Calvin said. "Go check and see if it's bats."

"It's nice to know where I stand here," Hobbes said. He got up and poked his head outside the door. "Okay, it's not raining."

"Alien bats are trying to break in, right?"

"Wrong. It's hailing."

"Are you sure?"

Hobbes reentered and spit out a bunch of stones from his mouth. "Oh, I'm pretty confident."

Calvin sighed. "This camping trip stinks. Nothing cool happens. If only a bunch of alien bats would try to break in."

"You're a whip, all right," Hobbes sighed.

The next morning, Dad was the first to wake up. He poked his head outside.

"Hey!" he said. "It's stopped raining! Come on! Let's go fishing and hiking!" He put on his special hiking hat and stepped outside.

About an hour or so later, Calvin and Hobbes finally awoke. They peeked outside and saw Dad's hat floating in a puddle in front of them.

"I guess this is what happens when you don't have concrete," Hobbes commented.

Calvin pulled on the hat and found Dad was still attached. "Who dug a hole in front of the tent?" he demanded.

"Well, I figured the water needed to drain away somewhere, and _I_ sure as heck wasn't leaving the tent, so—"

"CALVIN!"

Calvin thought it would be best to stay inside for a while, not to mention stay on the other side of the tent.

"This is nuts," he sighed to Hobbes. "It's only been one day, and already I feel like my ears are gonna pop and my brain will leak out."

"You too?"

"If we don't get to visit with some real humanity, I'm gonna go starkers." He looked up and saw that Hobbes was gone. "Hobbes?"

Hobbes had gotten up and was sitting with some boulders. "So…rock, read any good books lately?"

Calvin sighed. "We need to go home."

That night, Calvin and Hobbes had their tent back up.

"I'm glad we get our own tent up again. Dad's snoring reminded me of trucks downshifting on the highway."

"We need to do something," Hobbes groaned. "I can't live without tuna anymore."

"Don't blame me. I told Dad to pack it, but he decided on dry spam."

"What do we do now?"

"We need to do something about Dad's love of the wilderness. Maybe if we made him hate this place, he'd wanna go home early."

"But how?"

Their thoughts were interrupted by a low growl.

"_GRRRRR_…"

"What was that?" Hobbes asked nervously.

"I think it was one of those bears we heard about," Calvin whispered.

"You mean there really _are_ bears out here?" Hobbes cried.

"Shhh!" Calvin hissed. "Don't make too much noise, or the bear'll come after us. Quick, start loading everything into the duffel bag. We'll leave the spam here to distract him."

"What, and offend him?"

Calvin quickly loaded his comic books and rolled up the sleeping bags.

"You take the bags and I'll take sleeping bags."

"Right. Of course, you do realize this wouldn't be happening if tigers were the only fierce beasts on the planet."

They slipped out of the tent and towards the canoe. They loaded them up quickly.

"Now I'll take the paddle in back. You take the front," Calvin ordered. "If the bear comes near, we'll paddle for our lives and back to safety."

"Good plan," Hobbes said. Then a look of sheer terror covered his face. "Oh, look over there!"

Calvin gasped. The bear was sneaking into the tent. It was sniffing the spam and growling.

"Do you think we should've warned your parents?" Hobbes asked.

Calvin's eyes went wide as he faced Hobbes. "Why didn't _you_ do it?"

"Well, I was overcome with fear."

Calvin sighed. "Come on."

They quickly got out of the canoe and towards the other tent.

The bear was still growling at the spam, only now it was starting to tear up the tent.

Calvin and Hobbes hurried into the tent.

"I'll load up their stuff," Calvin said. "_You_ try and wake them up."

Hobbes shook Mom and Dad, but it was no good. "Wakey, wakey!" he yelled. "Bear alert!" It wasn't working. "What do we do now?"

Calvin, however, was in his own little world right now. He zipped up the duffel bags and gave them to Hobbes. "Quick, Spaceman Mort," he ordered. "You must get these bags to the ship before the alien gets to the captain and his secretary."

Hobbes stared at Calvin for a minute before he got the point. He took the bags and ran.

"The intrepid Spaceman Spiff must get the sedated captain and secretary off the planet and back to the ship before it is too late." He tried to pull them out, but he soon found that they were too heavy. "Zounds. It appears these two need to lose some weight."

Hobbes reentered the tent. "The bags are all accounted for, Spiff," he said, playing along. "The alien is almost done destroying the housing. We must get out of here before there is a death count."

"Quite right, Mort," Calvin said. "Help me out here. They are very heavy."

Hobbes, being very strong, managed to drag Mom out by her arms. Calvin took her legs.

By now, the bear was about ready to get to the tent. Calvin and Hobbes struggled past. They loaded her into the canoe and ran back to Dad.

"If only I had my levitating ray," Calvin muttered.

They carefully tried to lift him.

"Odd," Hobbes said. "He's lighter than the first one."

"Never mind, Mort," Calvin said. "We need to get out of here."

They hustled out of the tent, only to find the bear was almost a foot and a half away.

"Calvin, we have a serious problem here," Hobbes groaned.

"Continue onto the ship, Mort," Calvin said. "Just concentrate on our goal."

Hobbes rolled his eyes as he directed Dad towards the canoe. "If we survive this, I'm taking his imagination out of his brain."

They had to quicken the pace. They simply tossed Dad into the canoe and jumped in.

The bear was closing in.

"Spiff prepares his death ray blaster," Calvin said. He picked up a paddle. "There is a long blast of gold crimson! KERPOW!" He whacked the bear over the head with it. The bear recoiled slightly.

Hobbes then whacked Calvin with his own paddle.

"Hey!" Calvin cried, rubbing his head. "What'd you do _that_ for?"

"Welcome back. Now let's paddle."

Calvin shrugged and dug his paddle into the beach, pushing them away from the rock.

Calvin and Hobbes paddled all night.

Dad rubbed his head and woke up. "What are we doing out here?" he groaned. He got up and looked around. "CALVIN!" he yelled angrily.

Calvin quickly armed himself with his paddle. "Dad, I have a weapon!"

"Don't try to talk yourself out of this one, young man. You are in _major_ trouble now."

"But Dad, there was a bear! We had to get away! You would've been toast!"

"Yeah, funny," Dad snorted. "We're going back." He snatched the paddle from Calvin and prepared to paddle, but another paddle instantly creamed him. He collapsed in the canoe.

"Nice swinging, Mom," Calvin grinned.

"No problem, sweetie," Mom said. "I don't care if there was a bear or not. We're going home either way."

She and Calvin paddled the whole way back.

You can bet they wouldn't be going camping for the rest of the summer!


	3. Skiing for Life!

"Wasn't this a b-b-brilliant idea?" Even through chattering teeth, Dad's pride was unmistakable. "A s-s-ski weekend on Mount Superior."

"More like Mount _Siberia_," Calvin grumbled to Hobbes.

The whole family stood shivering on the slopes.

"Why do we keep letting Dad plan our vacations anyway? Remember our infamous trip to the Museum of Modern Plumbing?"

"I still say that toilet seat with the fur coat was simply beautiful," Hobbes said, shivering.

"Just look at this place," Calvin continued. "Nothing but snow and ice. I'd rather spend the day in a walk-freezer—at least there'd be _food_! I'd go so far as to say that _camping _would be better than this!"

Calvin's three-course breakfast was beginning to wear of, and he was getting hungrier and crankier by the nanosecond.

"Seriously," Hobbes said. "You'd think your dad would have more taste than the mountains. He should've let us take the sled."

"Yeah, but the airport wouldn't let it through the metal detector. We could've used it a weapon, apparently."

"Yeah, those metal runners apparently could put an eye out."

"However, I have something in my pocket that could help us out."

Before Hobbes could ask him what he was talking about, he was sprayed by snow powder.

"Attention, beginning skiers!" A pretty lady in a dazzling ski suit addressed the group of assembled skiers. "My name's Trisha and I'll be your instructor today!"

"Wow!" Hobbes took one look at Trisha and his chapped lips cracked into an instant smile. "I'm s-s-starting to feel all t-t-tingly inside!"

"That's your nose hairs freezing," Calvin muttered. "Snap out of it, or else you're going to be demoted from GROSS President to GROSS Imbecile."

Trisha smiled reassuringly. "Since you're all beginners, today's lesson will be on the safest, easiest slope. That way, no one will get hurt."

"I'm _already_ hurt!" Calvin wailed. "I can't feel my toes. Even my frostbite is getting frostbite!"

"Calvin, we're trying to learn," Mom hissed.

"Really? That's an even _better_ reason to complain!"

Trisha simply ignored Calvin and continued. She demonstrated a simple glide across the level snow. "Now, do I have a volunteer who'd like to try what I just did?"

"I w-w-will!" Dad stepped forward confidently. "It'll be a p-p-piece of cake!"

Calvin grimaced. "Oh, sure, you would have to mention cake."

Dad began to ski. "Yi-yi-YIKES!" His legs flew out from under him and his arms flailed wildly. He landed with a loud THUD!—right at Trisha's feet.

"Oh, my!" Trisha gasped, helping the highly embarrassed Dad to his feet. "No one's _ever_ wiped out on the bunny slope before!"

A distinct giggle could be heard through the group.

Mom put her head in her hands, embarrassed.

Calvin, however, couldn't take it. "Enough of this winter blunderland!" he said, taking Hobbes' arm. "We're outta here!"

"But Calvin, we've never been through these woods before! We're gonna get lost. I'm through with my near-death experiences."

"Oh, come on. Our last journey through the woods wasn't _that_ bad."

"Calvin, we got attacked by some bald guy bent on taking over the world with your imagination."

"Well, he's gone, so we shouldn't have to worry."

Defeated, Hobbes pulled down his goggles, grabbed onto his poles and pushed himself after Calvin on their skis.

They soon were rocketing down the hills at top speed. They ran into only five trees and tripped over two rocks, which was pretty good in their case.

Unfortunately, to this kiddie from the city, one trail looked the same as the other, and in a few minutes, Calvin and Hobbes were totally lost.

"Oh, great," Calvin groaned. He scanned the surroundings. "Snow and trees, snow and trees…"

"Oh, perfect," Hobbes said. "We're trapped in a _National Geographic_ special, and it's all your fault!"

"_My_ fault? You're the one who went with me!"

"This was _your _idea!"

"Well, you didn't try to stop me!"

"I _did_! You didn't listen, as usual. No wonder you get bad grades!"

"Hey, _you_ don't even get grades!"

"You call that an insult? That's pathetic."

"Well, can you blame me? My brain has practically stalled from the cold!"

"No surprise there," Hobbes snorted. "It's always _been_ stalled."

They were conveniently interrupted by a country style voice.

"Need some help, boys?"

Startled, Calvin and Hobbes whirled around to find a strange-looking rabbit on the trail behind him. The rabbit was pure white, with the hugest, hairiest feet Calvin had ever seen!

"You can talk?" Hobbes asked, startled.

"So can you," the rabbit replied.

"Good point."

Calvin decided to introduce themselves. "Hi, I'm Calvin, and this is my friend Hobbes…and you must be Bigfoot."

"For your information," the rabbit snorted, "I'm a snowshoe bunny! And these feet are the perfect size for getting around."

"Around what—Clown College?" Calvin couldn't help staring at those enormous feet. "No offense, mister, but you're one funny bunny if I ever saw one."

The rabbit snorted again. "Is that so? Well, I thought you two looked lost, and I _was_ going to tell you the way to the lodge, but since you've insulted me…"

"LODGE?" blurted Calvin and Hobbes.

"Wait, I take it back!" Calvin said. "Your feet aren't big at all! I'm not in my right mind."

"Right, his brain froze over! He was dropped on his head repeatedly," Hobbes added. "We're raving from cold and starvation and lack of comic books."

The bunny just glared.

Calvin continued. "You say there's a lodge somewhere on this mountain?"

"Yup," said the bunny, "but they didn't teach direction-giving at Clown College. You're on your own, boys."

"No, please. I'm really, really sorry! You're got to get me out of here! We're desperate!" He fell to his knees. "Look, now I'm begging!"

"Well, all right," said the bunny. He had a hint of mischief in his eyes that Hobbes seemed to recognized all too well from Calvin's eyes. "See that ridge with the huge mounds of snow on it? Well, there's a trail that runs below it that leads directly to the lodge."

"Oh, thank you, thank you!" Calvin and Hobbes barely got the words out before they raced off.

"You're welcome," said the rabbit, who snickered to himself as he watched Calvin and Hobbes ski away. "Should I have warned them that they were heading into an avalanche zone? _Nah_! Ha, ha, ha!"

As Calvin and Hobbes reached the edge of the cliff, Hobbes' keen sense of smell kicked in.

"It can't be far now—I smell cocoa!" Sweet relief filled his face. "And I'm loco for cocoa!"

"You sound like a cereal ad for some reason," Calvin said. "Let's ski-daddle!"

Triggered by the delectable scent, Calvin's stomach let out a supersonic rumble. At that moment, there was _another_ thunderous rumble, even louder than the first.

"Was that you?" Calvin asked hopefully.

"No," Hobbes replied.

"Well, there's no one else up here but us. And if it wasn't either of us…OH, NO!"

Calvin's growling stomach had launched a king-sized AVALANCHE—and it was heading straight for our heroes!

"I've heard of heavy snowfall, but this is ridiculous," Hobbes commented nervously.

"Forget the skies!" Calvin yelled. "We have to execute Plan B!"

"Which is?"

Calvin pulled out a small, glowing cube.

"What's that?"

"It's the hypercube. It's my latest invention! It can store an unlimited amount of objects, and it has just what we need!"

He pulled out the toboggan!

"Has no metal, so it wasn't detected! Let's ride!"

Calvin and Hobbes hopped onto the toboggan and rode for their lives. With a mountain of snow on Hobbes' tail and visions of cocoa and cookies in Calvin's mind, they swooshed like Olympic champions. What form! What grace! What _fear_! The frantic, fleeing pair zoomed past every obstacle on their way down the mountain.

Calvin leaned and directed them past several flags. They had to jump up to avoid smashing through a fence. Hobbes had to growl to get rid of animals wishing to hitch a ride with them.

"Man, there's a lot of violence in this story!" Calvin cried.

"We need to have a word with the author about these events," Hobbes groaned.

"Outta our way!" Calvin howled, as they parted a pack of wolves.

"Shut up and move!" Hobbes yelled, slaloming through a herd of yakety yaks.

"Vamoose, moose!" Calvin cried, narrowly avoiding an earful of antlers.

On and on! Faster and faster!

A bird!

A bear!

A ski lift chair!

A squirrel!

A skunk!

A tattooed punk!

All were furiously swept up into the ever-growing snowball at their backs.

Suddenly, Calvin spotted the lodge. It was straight ahead—and hundreds of feet across a giant gorge! But there was no turning back now. They didn't really have a choice anyway.

"HANG ON, HOBBES!" Calvin shouted.

"NO PROBLEM!"

Shouting "WE-WILL-NOT-BE-DENIED!" Calvin and Hobbes flew over the gaping abyss. With the rich chocolate aroma pulling them along by their noses, they showed perfect tobogganing form and made the most graceful landing on the deck of the A-frame lodge. And so was born the legend of the Awesome Ski-Jumping Boy and Tiger of Mount Superior!

Hours later, a heavily bandaged Dad and curious Mom came in to find Calvin sipping cocoa with lots of marshmallows, eating cookies, reading comics and warming his toes at the fireplace. His stuffed tiger sat silently next to him in the same position with a comic book draped over his chest with his own mug of cocoa.

"Oh, there you are, Calvin," Dad said, easing his battered body into a chair. "Boy, that bunny slope was sure a killer."

"Not to mention embarrassing," Mom said, getting her own cocoa.

"Yeah," replied the newly crowned king of the mountain. "Some bunnies are nothing but trouble."

He winked at the tiger reading comics next to him, while his parents looked confused.


	4. GROSS Day Out

"Attention! Attention!" shouted Dictator-for-Life Calvin. "This meeting of the top-secret **G**et **R**id **O**f **S**limy girl**S **club will now come to order, Dictator-for-Live Calvin presiding!"

"Hear, hear," said President and First Tiger Hobbes.

"First up on the schedule for today, First Tiger Hobbes will give us an attendance report."

"All present and accounted for, sir," Hobbes said, saluting.

"Excellent! Now Secretary Hobbes shall review the minutes."

Hobbes checked his watch. "It is ten thirty-five," he said.

"No, I meant the minutes of the last meeting."

"Oh." Hobbes pulled out a notepad with the minutes. "10:00—Meeting called to order. 10:01—Review of previous minutes. 10:02—Dictator-for-Life makes motion to build a brick wall around the enemy. 10:03—President and First Tiger gives a reasonable, different plan. Motion is met with much hostility from Dictator-for-Life. 10:05—President and First Tiger makes another motion to demote Dictator-for-Life to Doofus-for-Life. 10:07—Game of chicken at the river. 11:49—Towels administered. Medals awarded to all parties. Meeting adjourned."

"Very good," Calvin grinned. "Now we must discuss all probability of building a refrigerator up here so that we won't have to leave in the middle of meetings to get the jell-o refreshments."

"The tree house wouldn't withstand the weight," Hobbes said.

"Well, now that that's over with, let's discuss an important matter: Captain Maim is going to be drawn by a new artist. I found this out by purchasing the new issue. It was hard to believe that this was the last one. I had to battle six other kids for it. I triumphed, but the prize was useless."

Hobbes gasped. "How bad is it?" he asked.

"See for yourself. I brought it here for your opinion."

Hobbes took the comic book in Calvin's hand. He opened it and gasped. "AAIIIEEE!" he shrieked. "HIS MUSCLES AREN'T SHADED! HE DOESN'T HAVE HIS LITTLE HAT WITH THE WINGS! HE'S _RUINED_!"

"See what I mean?" Calvin sighed. "Action must be taken."

"But wait, maybe there's still hope." He flipped through the pages. "AH-HA! Amazon Girl still looks foxy! I say this isn't half bad."

Calvin snatched it away from him. "Snap out of it before demerits are administered. Now then, we suggest we make a petition with fellow Captain Maim fans and send it to the editor."

"Man, _every_one is making a petition," Hobbes sighed. "Oh well, I'm in."

"Excellent. It will be administered first thing tomorrow."

"Anything else?"

"Yes. Now it is time to make our plans for what we hope will go down in **GROSS** history."

"What is this plan you have in mind?" Hobbes asked, taking out his notepad to record the minutes.

"That we achieve our ultimate goal: soak every girl on the block."

"What for?"

Calvin stared at him as if he was talking to a small child. "Because it's our job."

"We're gonna need a lot of water balloons," Hobbes sighed. He read aloud what he wrote. "'Dictator-for-Life Calvin suggests our toughest mission ever: drenching of all females in the vicinity. Will we succeed? Of course not, but let's try it anyway.'"

Calvin grabbed the notepad and hurled it onto the roof of the house. "Quit rocking the boat. Let's get started on balloon filling. Bring the hose up here."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. Bring up the hose. We'll fill the balloons from here so that no one can catch us in the act."

Hobbes sighed, saluted and slid down the rope ladder to the hose. "One of these days, his little plans will blow up in face worse than usual."

Hobbes put some extensions on the faucet until there were enough for the hose to reach the tree house. He carried it up the rope ladder again and into the old crate that they called a tree house.

Calvin was already unloading their water balloons. "Good work. Now we can fill up the balloons. This was such a smart idea."

Hobbes stuck the hose into the balloon.

They waited about a minute.

"How do we turn on the hose?" Hobbes finally asked.

Calvin snorted and picked up a rock, putting in his slingshot. He took aim and let go, sending the rock into the nozzle on the hose. The nozzle was pushed around, so the water flowed up the hose and into the balloon.

"Nicely done," Hobbes said.

"Thank you."

"Now we need one more rock to turn it off."

Calvin looked around and found there were none in sight.

"Uh oh."

Calvin and Hobbes looked at the water balloon in Hobbes' paw. It was starting to grow slowly until it was as big as the tree house.

"Maybe we should jump," Hobbes suggested.

They didn't have time.

_KAAAAAAAAAAAAABBBLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!_

The tree house literally exploded from the force of the blast. Water flew everywhere. Calvin and Hobbes were hurled to the ground, landing in the squishy mud. They were soaked and splashed.

"Bombs away," Calvin moaned.

They sat up and saw the water turn off from the hose at their feet.

Calvin looked past his stuffed tiger and saw a steaming Mom glaring at him.

Calvin looked at the mess. Water and mud had piled all around them. Bits of wood were everywhere. The rosebushes were mangled. Leaves were scattered. It was raining little balloons everywhere. Calvin looked up at her with a nervous smile.

"Hi, Mom. We just thought we would water the lawn for you for free. We also thought the tree house was obstructing your view of the bird's nest, so we…" He noticed he wasn't scoring any points here. "Oh yeah, we forgot to yell 'surprise'. We were gonna have confetti fall when you saw it, but we couldn't find any, so we used balloons! Heh…"

He was in the bathtub about fifteen minutes later.

The next day after school, Calvin was grounded and in his room. Just to add more injury to injury, Rosalyn was to stay while his parents were at dinner and a movie.

"This stinks like a pile of socks," Calvin snorted.

"It's _your_ fault."

"Hey, it was _your_ idea to put the hose in the tree house. Now we have no GROSS Headquarters."

"_My_ fault? It was _your_ idea. It's _your_ fault GROSS is out of buisness!"

"We'll find a substitute. However, that's not important. We need to fulfill our mission to soak every female on the street. I've made a list of all of them."

He handed Hobbes a clipboard that had a list of girls and women on it.

"Susie, Candace, Mary, Mrs. Derkins, Ms. Wilson, Robin, Mrs. Rosemary…," Hobbes read. "Wow, as if we weren't grounded enough."

"It'll be worth it. We're going to make the officers proud."

"_We_ are the officers."

"Exactly. Now let's hightail it!"

Calvin ran for the door, but Hobbes grabbed him by the collar.

"And we plan on getting past Rosalyn how?" he asked with curiosity in his voice.

"Oh, right. Listen, you take these balloons to the bathroom and fill them up with the sink. I'll prepare Rosalyn for some fun."

Hobbes sighed. He took the bag of little balloons and took them to the bathroom as quietly as he could.

Calvin started to narrate to himself. "With his sidekick, Tiger Lad, off to prepare the weapons, Mild-Mannered Calvin leaps into his closet to become…" He paused to duck into his closet. There was much banging around be fore he finally hopped out, donning his red mask and cape! "…**_Stupendous Man_**! Da, da, da, da, du, dummmmm!"

He slid carefully out the door and down the stairs, where Rosalyn was on the phone with her boyfriend, Charlie.

"With Stupendous speed, Stupendous Man soars around the clouds and towards Babysitter Girl's secret lair that isn't secret anymore. Best be leading her into my ploy."

Rosalyn, unaware of Calvin's presence, continued to chatter on the phone. "Yeah, apparently he blew up his tree house and flooded the backyard… I don't know how, but with that little freak, you can never really tell… Yeah, okay, I'll call back later."

The second the phone was back on the cradle, something small and red crashed onto her head.

"Babysitter Girl, I'm taking you out!" Calvin shouted.

Rosalyn groaned. "Not again!" she wailed.

Calvin grabbed her leg and bent it towards her head.

"Get off of me, you little twerp!" she shouted. "You're supposed to be in your room! You're grounded!"

"Four and three forth walls will not hold Stupendous Man!" Calvin said. "Now quit thrashing so that I may defeat you."

Rosalyn shook her leg and flung Calvin up into the couch, ricocheted off the recliner and flew out the door onto the front lawn.

"Ow!" he cried.

"Now you're in for it!" Rosalyn shouted.

She didn't know, however, that Calvin had thought ahead. During the night, he had set a trap once he heard that Rosalyn was coming to stay. A bag suddenly was triggered, swallowing Rosalyn up and into it. She had no room to struggle, so she was trapped.

"CALVIN!" she hollered.

Calvin smiled confidently. "Tiger Lad! Release the bomb."

From above, Hobbes peered down at Rosalyn, unsure if he should do this or not. He didn't matter, because the balloon in his hands slid out and exploded all over Rosalyn's only visible part: her head.

"You're digging your own grave, buster," she growled at Calvin, trying to figure out where the balloon had come from.

Hobbes landed into Calvin's arms. "Well done, Tiger Lad," he said heroically. "Now let's drench her female minions."

They were about to leave, but Calvin suddenly had a thought. He ran into the backyard, got the hose and stuck into Rosalyn's babbling mouth. Then he turned it on. Rosalyn was instantly being filled with water.

"That'll teach you to mess with Stupendous Man," he grinned. "Come, Tiger Lad."

And they left Rosalyn behind, who was sputtering with a hose stuck in her mouth. Calvin, however, had forgotten that water was dampening the bag she was in…

Now out his disguise, Calvin led the way two doors down to the Derkins residence. Susie was on the sidewalk, playing tea party with her dolls.

"Target number one," Calvin whispered. "Hobbes, prepare the…" He noticed Hobbes wasn't in the bush with him. "Get over here, you mangy fur ball."

"You want me to go faster? How's about _you_ pull the water balloons."

Hobbes was pulling the wagon, which was filled up and over the brim with a pyramid of water balloons.

"Sissy," Calvin snorted. "Just bring them over here. The target has been sighted."

"Ah yes, we're bombing Little Miss Tattletale?"

"Don't worry. By the time she and her mom are soaked, we'll be long gone. Okay, you take one and go to the roof. When she comes out, soak her mom."

"Whatever," Hobbes sighed, knowing this was the worst idea Calvin had ever had. He took a water balloon and towards the roof from the back.

Calvin waited and watched as Hobbes scrambled up behind the chimney and waved to him with a thumb up.

Calvin waited a minute before he prepared. He lined up perfectly. Then he slowly edged his mobile shrubbery towards Susie, dropping every time she looked behind her. She continued to shrug it off as he slunk closer.

Susie finally grew suspicious of the bush. It was mainly because it was now right beside her. She looked at the base of it.

"Why does a bush wear little read sneakers?" she asked aloud.

Calvin couldn't bear it. He popped out from the top and hurled the balloon at her. She was instantly soaked.

"Hey!" she yelled. "I'm telling! MOM!"

By now, Calvin had already grabbed onto the wagon handle and was carting away past her.

Mrs. Derkins burst out the door. "What happened?" she called to her daughter.

_SPLOOSH!_ She was instantly soaked on the back of the head.

"That," Susie replied.

Mrs. Derkins whirled around to see who had thrown it, but she didn't see anyone.

Hobbes had taken advantage of the distraction and had already jumped off the roof. He dashed over the fence and after Calvin.

"Success!" Calvin cried. "And there's target number three over there. Fire!"

Hobbes grabbed a balloon and hurled a balloon at Ms. Wilson, who had bent over to water her flower garden. The balloon came in contact with her giant butt, causing her to loose balance and fall face first into her daisies.

"Good throw!" Calvin called. "Get ready for some more!"

Hobbes felt so proud that he forgot to be worried about trouble and was soon enjoying himself.

They splashed Candace from a tree.

They splooshed Mrs. Robinson from the birdbath.

They soaked Mary from a lawn flamingo.

They got Robin from a bird's nest.

Soon, they were hurling balloons at each female they could find. They were winning!

While all this was going on, Rosalyn was still taking on water. She was feeling very uncomfortable in her position.

Finally, the water splashing the net caused it to weaken and rip apart, freeing her. She quickly yanked the hose from her mouth.

"Calvin, wherever you are, get back here!" she yelled.

She attempted to run, but with a stomach full of water, it was highly uncomfortable.

"His parents are gonna pay extra for this," she grumbled.

She struggled with herself until she got herself in motion.

Calvin and Hobbes were currently down to four water balloons, but they had achieved their goal.

"I'd say we did all right, Hobbes," Calvin said. "Now let's head home. I wonder if Rosalyn has exploded by now."

"Don't bet on it," a familiar voice said.

Calvin looked up at his stuffed tiger, and then up at a rather waterlogged Rosalyn.

"Eeek! Rosalyn!" he cried. He quickly regained his composure and tried to look shocked. "What on earth happened to you?"

"Don't try it, kid," she said. "I know that you pulled off that Stupidness Man nonsense again, but it failed once again."

"Stupendous Man?" Calvin asked, his eyes growing wide. "You must have done an injustice! That's the only reason he would attack! Maybe you—"

"Don't give me that!" she yelled. "I know all about your 'secret identity' and that you're 'Stupendous Man'. I know all about it." She was really just trying to get some cooperation.

Calvin gasped in horror. "You may have figured out my secret identity, but even without my outfit, I'm still Stupendous." He reached behind him and grabbed a water balloon. He threw it at her, soaking her.

"Jump in!" Calvin yelled. He grabbed his stuffed tiger and they landed in the wagon, rolling off down the hill and into the woods.

"I _told _you this was a bad idea!" Hobbes yelled, the joy going away.

"Don't worry! The Stupendous Mobile hasn't failed us yet!"

"What are you talking about? It fails us each time we ride it!"

Calvin yanked at the handle, but, as you may have guessed, it all went downhill the minute they went down the hill. Calvin made a wrong turn. The wagon flew off a cliff, and they landed in the river with a _KERSPLOOSH_!

"Same ol', same ol'," Hobbes sighed.

"_Now _who's soaked?" a voice yelled.

Calvin and Hobbes looked up and saw Susie, Candace and Rosalyn looking down at them, laughing their heads off.

"Laugh all you want!" Calvin shouted. "We achieved our goal to soak each girl on the block, and we did!"

"No you didn't," Susie yelled. "You didn't get your own mother wet."

Calvin looked at Hobbes. Hobbes just sat there as his usually did as a stuffed tiger.

"We'll take care of that," he said.

Rosalyn's laughter faded and she looked very uncomfortable.

"What's wrong?" Candace asked.

"I need to go to the bathroom," she replied. She scurried back up the hill.

Later that night, Calvin's grounding was extended to two weeks. It was for making the entire neighborhood get soaked in water, and for giving Mom a shower with the hose when they got home.

Calvin went to his room with a smile on his face, though. He and Hobbes had made GROSS history, all right.

"A good mission always ends with us getting in trouble for following our chapter," he says.


	5. Eye of the Hobbes

Calvin sat in class, constantly looking up at the clock.

"Calvin, please pay attention!" Miss Wormwood said.

How could Calvin pay attention? He was waiting for his chance to get away from Moe. The big bully had said he was going to pound the snot out of Calvin once the bell rang, and that was just seconds away. Only a few more seconds until the bell would finally go…

_RRRRIIIIIIINNNNNNGGG!_

"Have a nice day, everyone," Miss Wormwood said.

Nice day, she says.

Calvin got out the door the second the bell ended. He tore down the halls like a torpedo. He was running like a bobcat. He had to get to the safety of the bus before it left. He tore down the halls, ignoring teachers telling him to slow down. He zipped past the drinking fountains. He scampered through the cafeteria. He hurtled over the custodian's back. He swerved around a corner and out the door to the waiting bus.

"Salvation!" he cried.

He ran to it and smacked right into the door. It was shut.

"Open up!" he yelled at the bus driver.

The bus driver ignored him. She was waiting for the clock to reach open door time. Her watch was slow.

Calvin looked over his shoulder and saw a stampede of kids coming. Moe was in there somewhere. He waved his arms at the bus driver, yelling at her, but she continued to wait.

"Come on!" Calvin yelled. "It's time to go!"

Finally, she opened the doors.

Calvin let out a sigh of relief. He was about to step onto the bus, but he was immediately run over by a bunch of worked up kids.

When the stampede stopped, Calvin looked up and saw that the doors were shut again. Calvin watched with utter dismay as the bus rolled away. He ran after it.

"Come back!" he yelled. "You forgot me! You forgot _me_!"

But the bus was starting out of the school.

Then a shadow loomed over him. He gulped and slowly looked up to see Moe towering over him menacingly.

"Ready for some pounding?" he asked.

"Gee, I'd love to, but I simply don't have a thing to wear to my funeral."

_KERPOW!_

In a great deal of agony and pain, Calvin was sent hurtling into the air like an air missile. He soared threw the air over the bus and landed with a _CLUNK_ on the mirror.

The bus driver stopped the bus and got out. "You crazy kid!" she yelled. "You're gonna make us late!"

"Oh, and you didn't?" Calvin groaned. He slid off the mirror and onto the pavement. He got up slowly and slowly struggled onto the bus.

Calvin limped off the bus and down the walk slowly. He walked over to the door.

"I'M HOME!" he shouted.

_KABLAM!_

Hobbes shot through the door and right into him. They flew through the air and Calvin landed in the birdbath.

"HOO!" Hobbes cried. "That was a _good_ one!"

Calvin spit out a mouthful of water and glared at the tiger.

"Man, two beatings in one day. I can't believe it."

"Aww, poor little guy. Tough day?"

"Wouldn't you know it? Moe beat the tar out of me and got me in trouble with the bus driver."

"Again?" Hobbes asked. "That's the third time this week."

"Man, aren't _you_ lucky to be a tiger. _You_ don't have to go to a school every day. _You_ don't have to beaten up on a regular basis by a big gorilla like Moe. You have no idea what it's like to go to school with Moe."

"Yes, I do."

"How could _you_ possibly know what _my_ life is like?"

"You tell me everyday."

Calvin grumbled as he walked up and through the doorway with Hobbes following.

Just then, something rolled across the floor in front of them. Hobbes immediately sprung into action. He jumped up and pounced the whatever-it-was. He ripped it apart madly, growling at it.

"It put up a big fight," Hobbes said, "but I've wrestled it to exhaustion. Now to…"

"Hobbes, you simp, that's a dust ball. Dad's probably doing the vacuuming again."

Hobbes started to lick himself clean, trying to save whatever dignity he had left, which he had none of. "Well, did you see the way it rolled? Anyone could have told that it was on a sneeze rampage. It could've left us all with teary eyes."

"Yeah, it had a real will to live," Calvin said, rolling his eyes.

Then he rethought back to being pounced by Hobbes to Hobbes pouncing at the dust ball.

"Wait a minute," he said. "This is the answer!"

"What's the answer?"

"_You_ could destroy Moe for me!"

"Me?"

"Yeah! I'd be rid of him! I'd be free of Moe attacks!"

"There's a lot in this little idea of yours about _you_. What about _me_? I don't hear anything about ol' Hobbes."

"Tuna. Salmon. I'll give it to you. You name it!"

"I'd like to read your comic books."

Calvin slapped his forehead and groaned. He was very protective of his Captain Maim, Booger Boy Brothers, Captain Napalm and Ronald Rumpass' Evil Hunting comics. He had more, but we don't have twelve years. Still, the idea of having Moe killed by Hobbes was too great.

"Don't draw any mustaches on them, and you got a deal," he said defeatedly.

"Deal!" said Hobbes. "I'll be ready to fight off the big galoot tomorrow."

"Hobbes, Moe is tougher than most people. You should probably know that he's bigger than me, and would be ready to take you our without a second thought."

"He's not too bright, is he?"

"Hobbes, I'm being serious. If someone even looks at him, they get pummeled until they aren't recognizable to their closest friends and family. We need to train you for this."

"Train?"

"Right. We need to see if you have the Eye of the Tiger."

Hobbes sat there, confused.

"I _do_ have the Eye of the Tiger. I'm a _tiger_!"

"It's symbolic. I saw it in a movie once. Stay with me on this. Eye of the Tiger is what will give you the power to fight. If you do not have it, you will surly fail."

"Are you quoting this movie exactly? That sounds way too mature for you."

"Shut up. I'm trying to be explanatory here. Now, you'll come to school with me. During lunch, we'll work in the gym and train you to be a perfect Moe destroying machine!"

The next day, just like Calvin said, Hobbes tagged along to school with him.

Once the lunch bell rang, Calvin and Hobbes dashed for the gymnasium. The place was scattered with workout gear. There were barbells, punching bags, skipping rope, chin-up bars and all that other weird stuff.

Hobbes looked around and noticed Calvin had disappeared. He heard a door open and saw Calvin walk out of the boys' locker room. He had on grey sweatpants, a grey sweatshirt, a backwards green cap and a whistle around his neck.

"You look a gym teacher," Hobbes said.

"That's kind of the point," Calvin replied. "I'm you personal trainer. Let's get started."

If you thought Hobbes was hot in a fur coat in a lukewarm building, just imagine how he felt with that and sweat combined. It wasn't pretty. He was soon doing chin-ups on the bar. He went up and down several times, but not in record time.

Calvin wasn't much help. He was yelling at Hobbes, telling him to do it better and faster. He blew his whistle constantly and yelled at him to make him work harder.

Next Hobbes had to do sit ups. That was no picnic. Hobbes' sweat was flung back and forth as he went up and down on the mat.

Calvin was barking at him loudly. "UP! DOWN! UP! DOWN! UP! DOWN!"

Hobbes groaned to himself.

Next he had to lifted weights. He struggled with the big barbell. It weighed about 300 pounds. He struggled and moaned through gritted teeth.

"Come on, Hobbes! We need some lift here! Pull! Pull with all your might! Get that big old piece of metal up off the mat! Do it now, or you're going to the showers. Speaking of showers, you could really use one! Phew!"

Hobbes growled at Calvin before returning to the struggling. Suddenly, there was a noise that resembled that of castanets. Hobbes' expression was that of pain.

"Help?" he whined.

Calvin jumped up and karate chopped Hobbes' back, put him back in place.

"Okay, enough of that," Calvin decided.

Last, Calvin put up a big inflated clown with Moe's face on it.

Hobbes had on boxing gloves and was pounding the air out of it.

"That's it, Hobbes-baby! You'll show Moe who's the boss! Perfect! Splendid! Wonderful! Superb! Magnificent! Extremely positive adjectiveness! Now we need to try the 'I'm Home!' technique!"

"Oh, finally!" Hobbes gasped. "Something I'm good at!"

Hobbes ran to the other end of the gym.

Calvin removed his cap and put on a football helmet and stood behind the dummy of the dummy.

"I'M HOME!" he shouted.

In an instant, Hobbes attacked the clown balloon. It exploded as he came in contact, and he and Calvin rolled along the floor of the gym, punching and kicking each other.

"Okay, enough!" Calvin shouted. He pushed Hobbes off and dusted himself off. "You're ready."

Hobbes grinned. "Bring 'im on!"

Two bells later, Calvin and Hobbes sat on the swings, being pointed at and laughed at. Calvin, however, was too excited to care what they thought. Moe was going down! In fact, Moe was coming right now.

"Here he comes," Calvin whispered. "Eye of the Tiger."

Moe stomped over and looked down at Calvin. He immediately laughed when he saw the stuffed tiger sitting limp in the swing next to him.

"Oh, looky here!" he yelled. "Calvin's got a teddy bear!"

"Tiger!" Calvin corrected. "Plus, he's not so teddy-like. He's ferocious! Mandibles of Death, that's what he's got!"

"Oh really?" Moe teased.

"Really," Calvin sneered. "GO, HOBBES! ATTACK THE DUMMY!"

The stuffed tiger did nothing whatsoever. He just sat there, only to tip over and out of the swing.

"Oh, just perfect!" Calvin growled. "He's fainted!" He picked up the stuffed tiger and noticed Moe was ready to do some pounding.

"Oh, look at the time! Gotta flee. Tootles!"

He shot off like a mighty rocket for the jungle gym, and Moe was right behind him.

A rather battered Calvin climbed off the bus that afternoon. Hobbes got off right behind him, looking rather ashamed.

"What happened to Eye of the Tiger?" Calvin asked angrily.

"You see—"

"What happened to Mandibles of Death?"

"Well—"

"What happened to save Calvin's butt?"

"Look, just shut up and listen," Hobbes ordered. "I guess when it came to crunch time, I realized that we don't have a lawyer and that jail food doesn't taste good. We'd be in huge trouble."

"Oh, come off it! You fainted and you know it was from fear. I could tell! You're a sissy tiger. All you can actually pounce is a dust ball."

"That's not all I can pounce," Hobbes growled.

He pounced Calvin. He bit and kicked. Calvin punched and clocked. They rolled around in the yard as people walked by laughing at Calvin for fighting a stuffed tiger.

Finally, Hobbes was able to push Calvin onto the sidewalk. That was a very bad move. Lo and behold, Moe was walking up the sidewalk. Upon seeing him, Hobbes quickly dove into the bushes.

Calvin noticed Moe as well, but he had no time to run for the house. Moe was ready to destroy him.

"Hey, Twinky!" he called to him. "Ready for part two?"

"Part two? What was wrong with the first one?"

"I didn't destroy you completely."

Calvin couldn't tell if Moe was being tougher or if he had been turned evil. Either way, he spun around and ran down the sidewalk, screaming like a ghost was behind him.

Hobbes poked his head out of the bushes as Calvin and Moe tore off.

"Nobody can beat up my best friend within the vicinity of the house but me!" he growled.

He ran round to the back and dashed to the tool shed.

"It's a dangerous business, but it has to be done."

He picked up a stick and opened the shed a crack. He carefully poked the stick inside. Something yanked it out of his hand and bashed around with it. The building shook with noise and growling, not to mention a few squeaks.

"CALVIN!" Dad shouted from the house. "Quit banging around out there!"

"Sorry!" Hobbes shouted back, but Dad didn't hear him.

He carefully ran inside and jumped the two wheeled machine of death. He managed to grab the handlebars and get up on the seat. He slowly pedaled it away. The bike, however, had other ideas. It tried to buck Hobbes off the seat, but with his tail wrapped around it, Hobbes fell back on.

"I'm beginning to see why this thing should be sent to Bulgaria," he muttered.

He pedaled onto the sidewalk. He peered down into the distance and saw Calvin running from Moe still.

"Eye of the Tiger," he reminded himself.

Then he heard music start to play somewhere. It was a familiar song, and one I think we all know.

_Risin' up, back on the street.  
Did my time, took my chances  
Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet.  
Just a tiger and his will to survive._

Hobbes pedaled hard as the bike bucked and bounced. Pieces of it flew everywhere. It was not a pretty sight. Hobbes was lucky he had remembered his helmet. He swayed from one side to the other. He screamed his lungs out.

"Whoa! Down, boy! Steady!"

The bike didn't care. It was going to kill Hobbes if it was the last thing it ever did.

Hobbes looked ahead. Calvin and Moe were coming closer.

Finally, Calvin tripped and fell. He whirled onto his back and saw that Moe was now towering over him.

"Say good night, Twinky!" Moe grinned, holding a fist over Calvin's head.

"Good night, Twinky," Calvin sighed, and he prepared for the end.

But the end never came!

At that instant, a bike with a stuffed tiger strapped onto the seat snuck up from behind and booted Moe into the air. He flew over Calvin and onto the sidewalk. The tiger on the bike came off and landed at Calvin's side, while the bike went past him and carried on after Moe.

"Runaway bike!" Moe screamed. He ran down the sidewalk with the bike in hot pursuit.

Hobbes bent down and helped Calvin to his feet. "You okay, Calvin?"

"Never better, ol' buddy," Calvin said. "I guess that bike won't be bothering me for a while."

"Whoda thunk it would ever be useful," Hobbes agreed.

"Indeed."

The two friends walked back up the walk, singing together.

_Risin' up, back on the street  
Did my time, took my chances  
Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet  
Just a tiger and his will to survive _

So many times, it happens too fast  
He trades his passion for glory  
Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past  
You must fight just to keep them alive

It's the Eye of the Hobbes, it's the thrill of the fight  
Risin' up to the challenge of my rival  
And the last known big tiger stalks his prey with corn on the cob  
And he's watchin' us all with the Eye of the Hobbes

Face to face, out in the heat  
Hangin' tough, stayin' hungry  
He stacks the odds, till we take to the street  
For the kill with the skill to survive

It's the Eye of the Hobbes, it's the thrill of the fight  
Risin' up to the challenge of my rival  
And the last known old tiger stalks his prey known as Rob  
And he's watchin' us all with the Eye of the Hobbes

Risin' up, straight to the top  
Had the guts, got the glory  
Went the distance on that old killer bike  
Just a tiger and his will to survive

It's the Eye of the Hobbes, he's the thrill of the fight  
Risin' up to the challenge of my rival  
And the last known old tiger stalks his prey with some gobs  
And he's watchin' us all with the Eye of the Hobbes

The Eye of the Hobbes  
The Eye of the Hobbes  
The Eye of the Hobbes

And they sang it all the way home…


	6. Pigging Way Out!

One lazy Sunday afternoon in an unnamed city in an unnamed state, Calvin and Hobbes were in their bedroom reading comics, having already eaten the chocolate cereal and watched all the cartoons on TV.

"Man, our lives are getting in a rut," Calvin moaned. "We need to do something else."

"Like what?"

"Well, over the past few weeks, we've been through a few crazy adventures."

"Oh yeah, the triathlon in Hawaii, the ski trip, the camping trip, yeah, we've done some. We've had our a-game goin'."

"Right. I think we need to do something new."

"Okay, we'll try reading two comics at once."

"Not _that_ kind of new. I mean we need to go somewhere. We need another crazy adventure."

"Let's read about people having crazy adventures," Hobbes suggested. "It's safer."

"No way. Let's leave this house and have some fun!"

Calvin grabbed Hobbes' paw and pulled him off the bed. Hobbes landed on the floor with a loud _THUD_. Calvin tried to pull him behind him, but he wasn't having much luck.

"This is such a sad picture," Hobbes moaned, picking himself up. Calvin dangled from Hobbes' raised hand, his legs spinning rapidly. He felt a less amount of pressure in his legs and realized what he was doing.

"Put me down, fleabag."

"You have to let go."

Calvin did and landed on the floor. His legs were still spinning, and at high velocity, he shot out the door and down the stairs, smacking into the frontdoor with a _WHACK_.

"Ouch," he said with a muffled voice.

Hobbes simply walked down the stairs and towards him. He pulled a flyswatter out from behind him somehow, and he slowly sliced Calvin off like a pancake stuck to the ceiling.

"Well, that was stupid," Calvin said. "Now come on! Let's look for adventure!"

Hobbes decided that watching cartoons and reading comic books were starting to sound a little too routine, and so he started to walk back to the TV.

"Oh no ya don't!" Calvin said. "You're coming with me."

Hobbes finally relented and walked out the door with the short kid.

"This is going to be one long Sunday," he moaned.

One lazy Sunday afternoon on the end of the unnamed city of the unnamed state, Garfield, Odie and Jon Arbuckle were lounging on the sofa watching TV.

"These extreme sports are incredible!" declared Jon, pointing at the screen. "Sky surfing, mountain biking, bungee jumping…" He let a sly grin slide across his face. "I'll bet _you_ could never do anything like that, Garfield!"

The tubby tabby scowled at his owner. "I'll bet I'd never _want _to do anything like that," he said.

Well, technically he didn't say it. He actually thought it. Cats can't talk, so he couldn't say that. He just thought it loudly.

"All they're doing is burning calories. I like activities that help you _consume_ calories!"

"Arf!" Odie seconded.

Suddenly, a huge grin spread across Garfield's yellow mouth.

"Hey, wait a minute! That gives me an absolutely brilliant idea. Let's go, Odie!"

He grabbed the dumb blonde dog by the paw and dragged him away from the TV.

Garfield and Odie raced out the door and into Jon's garage, where he pulled some strange-looking items out of a cardboard box. He tossed out a rubber chicken, a spool, a wrench, a pair of fuzzy-dice, hockey sticks, an umbrella and a few frogs.

Finally, he found the objects of his desire.

"Here, Odie put these on," Garfield instructed

"Huh?" questioned Odie.

Moments later, the fat cat and drooling dog emerged from the garage dressed to kill—or at least maim—in crash helmets, gloves, and elbow, knee, and shoulder pads.

"We'll show that dweeby Jon," Garfield said. "Now we're ready for our _own_ extreme sports—some games we can really sink our teeth into!"

Odie looked puzzled.

"I'll explain on the way. Just follow me."

"Woof!" Odie replied. He obediently followed his feline friend down the street.

Soon in the middle of the unnamed…well, you know what I mean by now. In the middle of this place, Calvin and Hobbes were walking down the street in the middle of the city.

"Where exactly are we?" Calvin asked.

"How should _I_ know? This was _your_ idea."

"Oh, well excuse me for trying to make our lives a little more exciting! Besides, there's always adventure in the city! We'll find some somewhere!"

As they rounded the corner, they smacked into someone.

Calvin and Hobbes landed flat on their backs. They rubbed their heads and looked up.

"Hey! Watch where you're going!" Calvin shouted at the two figures in front of them.

The two figures sat up, revealing to be none other than Garfield and Odie!

Calvin and Hobbes stared at the two. They instantly burst out laughing.

"What are they laughing at?" Garfield whispered.

Odie shrugged.

"Hobbes, look at this!" Calvin laughed. "These must be the dumbest animals on the planet! They're wearing crash outfits!"

"Man, I've heard of people dressing their pets, but _this_ is just too funny!" Hobbes added.

"Hey, shut up!" Garfield ordered.

Calvin instantly stopped laughing and stared at Garfield.

"Wait, you can talk?"

Garfield stared at Calvin.

"You can hear me think?"

Calvin and Hobbes looked at each other and then back at Garfield.

"This can only mean one thing," Calvin decided. "I have special mind-reading powers for animals! I can read an animal's mind!"

"That or this is some sicko dream of yours," Hobbes said.

It was then that Garfield and Odie noticed Hobbes.

"Kid, do you know a talking tiger is right beside you?"

"Oh, yeah, this is Hobbes. He's my best friend."

"Well then, you have interesting taste in friends," Garfield decided. "Well, I'm Garfield, and this is Odie. He's got no brain, so don't be surprised if you hear elevator music while trying to read his nonexistent mind."

"Well, I'm Calvin and he's, as you know, Hobbes. We're searching for some adventure in the city. Know where we can find some?"

Garfield was about to reply, but a thought crossed his mind. Pets were only allowed in their destination if they were accompanied by an owner. If Calvin posed as their owner, he and Odie could make it in.

"I think I know where you can find some," he said slyly. "If you could just accompany me and Odie to a special place, you'll have all the extreme adventure you could dream of!"

A maniacal grin spread across Calvin's face, making Hobbes back away slowly.

"We'll take you there, and we can play a little extreme sports while we're there."

Calvin's grinned seemed to stretch across the street. "We're in."

"We are?" Hobbes asked.

"Come on," Garfield said.

He and Odie took the lead and walked ahead. Calvin eagerly followed. Hobbes took the tail, but he was a little worried. He had noticed a familiar look of mischievousness on the fat cat's face. Every time he saw that face, there was bound to be trouble.

And was he ever right!

_KABOOM! _Garfield and Odie burst through the doors of Le Grand Gourmet, the fanciest restraunt in town. Calvin and Hobbes slowly walked in behind them.

"So _this _is where Mom and Dad go whenever Rosalyn comes over," Calvin said.

"What have we done?" Hobbes groaned.

"Banzai!" cried Garfield. "Let the games begin!"

"Extreme _dining_?" Calvin cried. He was very angry. "There's nothing extreme about dining! It's just boring! There's too much atmosphere! Atmosphere isn't extreme! _Sports_ are extreme!"

"Sports, schmorts," Garfield snorted. "Who needs that when we have all we need right here!" He hopped up on the table in the middle of the crowded restaurant, sending the well-dressed diners running for cover.

"Okay," Garfield continued. "Odie and me are one team, and you two are another. How about a game 'Breadstick Billiards'?" He picked up a long breadstick and aimed it at a plate of Swedish meatballs.

Calvin looked at Hobbes, who shrugged.

"Meatball in the corner pocket," announced the fat cat, using the breadstick as a pool cue and hitting the meaty morsels—SMACK! Meatballs flew everywhere and splattered everywhere. One ricocheted off a serving cart, and landed right in Garfield's mouth.

"A point for the boys back home!" Garfield yelled. He gave Odie a high four/three. Garfield only had four fingers and Odie only had three.

Calvin and Hobbes soon saw the fun in these games, and soon were throwing fish and lobsters at Garfield and Odie. Garfield and Odie retaliated by throwing mushrooms and yams.

The frightened customers of Le Grand Gourmet hid under their tables, watching a cat, a dog, and a kid throw food at each other. A stuffed tiger was at the boy's side.

Pierre, the restaurant's tuxedoed maitre d', rushed over to them, madly waving his arms. "Stop! Stop!" Pierre shouted. "You crazy creatures will ruin my restaurant! Besides, you don't even have a reservation!"

"Chill out," said Garfield, "or you won't get a good tip when we leave." He sprinkled some pepper in his paw and blew it at the angry maitre d'.

"Achoo! Achoo!" Pierre sneezed hard, stumbled backward, and sat down in a bowl of hot onion soup. "Yeowch!" He quickly ducked into the kitchen.

"Now that he's out of the way, on to our next event," said Garfield. "In this event, Hobbes and Odie will play 'Biscuitball'!"

Calvin groaned. "You always get to have all the fun!" he whined to Hobbes.

Hobbes simply pushed Calvin aside and faced the dopey dog standing in front of him. "Seems it's you and me, one-on-one—or in this case, one-on-dumb!"

Odie growled at Hobbes, who growled back, only twice as much. Odie backed away slowly.

Garfield tossed the biscuit in between them.

Odie's tongue shot out and grabbed it. Much to everyone's surprise, the tongue began to bounce the biscuit!

"I knew you could drool, Odie, but I didn't know you could dribble!" said Garfield.

But Odie's hoop dreams were swiftly shattered, as the tough tiger slapped the biscuit from Odie's tongue and began dribbling down the long table.

"You're no match for Doctor H!" declared Hobbes, breaking into a play-by-play description of the action.

"Hobbes gets the biscuit…he fakes left, then right, he shoots…he scores! And the crowd goes wild!" Hobbes exclaimed, as the biscuit splashed into a large gravy server. Hobbes then picked up the gravy-soaked morsel and jammed it into his mouth. "Gulp! Now _that's_ what I call stuffing the ball! Score's one all!"

Odie let out a bone-rattling growl, picked up a fork between his teeth, and jumped to another table, ready to pounce on a think filet mignon steak.

"So you want to play a little 'Meat Hockey' now?" asked Calvin, plucking up his own fork and advancing toward the steak. He didn't notice his library card fall out of his pocket. It flew in the air and towards the kitchen doors, where a certain maitre d' picked it up.

"Two against two!" Calvin declared. Hobbes stood beside him and held a spatula.

Garfield and Odie held their own forks and grinned slyly.

Using the fork like a hockey stick, Garfield slid the filet off its plate and tossed it onto the slick waxed floor. Then he and Calvin jumped down and stood nose-to-nose over the beefy "puck".

"It's the face-off, short-stuff!" the "Great Garfsky" grunted, scooping up the steak with his makeshift hockey stick and gliding it across the floor.

Without warning, Calvin swung by with his fork, swiped the steak away from the cat, and quickly maneuvered it in the opposite direction. Skidding to a stop, Calvin took aim, and with a loud _THWACK_, sent the filet mignon hurtling through the air.

Garfield ran as fast as his tubby legs would carry him past flying filet, turned and jumped up. Hobbes, however, jumped up on his shoulders and caught it in his mouth with a loud "Gulp!"

"Another point for us!" Calvin said proudly.

"Grr!" Odie grumbled.

"That's enough out of you three little pests!" a voice yelled.

Calvin, Garfield and Odie looked up and saw the maitre d' running towards them with a large net. "Someone call the police!"

Calvin turned and ran.

"Call the pound!"

Garfield and Odie ran.

"Call a rug maker!"

Calvin grabbed the stuffed tiger.

"Looks like we're going to have to eat and run!"

Garfield and Odie hopped onto a serving cart and rolled quickly away, with Pierre in hot pursuit. They quickly scooped up Calvin and Hobbes as they careened from table to table. Calvin and Hobbes tried to steer, and Garfield and Odie gathered samples of the fancy food.

"Hey, Pierre!" shouted Garfield. "The gravy is a little runny at table six!"

"How can you care about food at a time like this?" Calvin shouted.

But the wild ride was cut short as the foursome rounded a table and collided head-on with a large metal salad bowl that had landed on the floor during the action.

_KA-TONG! _The force of the impact sent the salad sailing, and Calvin, Garfield, Hobbes and Odie tumbling head-over-wheels onto the floor onto the floor at three pairs of familiar feet.

They looked up and saw Jon Arbuckle, Mom and Dad glaring down at them.

Calvin was left stuttering. "But how did—?"

Pierre presented Calvin with his library card. It has Calvin's phone number on it.

"Oh, silly me," Calvin gulped. "I thought I'd thrown it away."

Garfield smacked Calvin over the head. "Idiot," he muttered.

"As for _my_ being here," Jon said, "I had a rather good feeling where these two would be if they were gone for one hour."

"We just can't trust you to go anywhere," Mom growled at Calvin.

"Don't worry," Jon said. "I have a feeling Garfield had a lot to do with this. He's a very tricky cat."

"Never mind," Dad said. "Calvin's grounded either way. Calvin, grab your stuffed tiger and let's go home."

Garfield and Odie looked at Calvin and Hobbes. "Stuffed tiger?" Garfield asked.

"When I met Hobbes, Dad told me to stuff him." Then he came up with an idea. "Oh yeah, I can read Garfield's thoughts! I know what he thinks!"

"Yeah, sure," Dad said, rolling his eyes.

Jon, however, being his usual gullible self, believed him. "What's he thinking now?"

Calvin faced Garfield.

"He can't get a date, and whenever he can, it only lasts about a few minutes. I sometimes use him to boil eggs for seven minutes."

Calvin repeated what Garfield had thought.

Jon stood in amazement. "He's right! I _can't _get a decent date! My biggest problem in life is over! I have someone who can make my life easier!"

As Jon went on rambling about all the possibilities in life ahead and Mom and Dad talked to Pierre about paying for the damages, Calvin, Hobbes, Garfield and Odie snuck out the door.

"Thanks for the help," Calvin said.

"Yeah, but it looks as if we're shut out," Garfield said. "Unfortunately, we need to continue until one of us has seven points."

Odie whimpered.

"But it's not over yet…," the fat cat said with a sly grin.

_KABOOM!_ Garfield and Odie burst through the doors of Le Grand Goodies, the fanciest bakery in town. Calvin ran in eagerly after them.

Hobbes paused at the door before running in and joining them.

"Here we go again," he sighed.


	7. A Day at the Circus

Summer vacation is supposed to be fun, right? Fun should be fun, right? That's what Calvin and Hobbes have always thought, and, for the most part, they are always right. Summer is throwing water balloons at the dumb girl next door during GROSS activities. Summer is playing pirates on the lake and sinking the second you board the ship. Summer is eating a purple Popsicle and your tongue being purple afterwards. Summer is sitting in the movie theater watching sequels again.

So what _isn't_ summer?

Summer is not sitting around on your butt watching a bunch of freaks get paid seventy-five bucks a year to act like morons and get pies thrown at each other and get attacked by lions and get yourself killed by flying into the tent by a cannon.

This is the exact same speech Calvin gave his parents when they told him they were going to the circus. Calvin's been to a circus before. It was so cheap that the safety nets all fell apart before anyone landed in them. Dad had called it quality entertainment. What quality? The pies weren't even cooked when thrown! That's right. Last time was one of Dad's cheapskate acts of calling something lame fun. It was like camping, only a bit more humane.

Calvin and Hobbes sat in the backseat. Hobbes lazily thumbed through a magazine while Calvin continued to yell at his parents in anger.

"I'VE NEVER BEEN SO INSULTED IN ALL MY LIFE! CIRCUSES JUST ENCOURAGE THE STEREOTYPE THAT ALL CHILDREN LOVE THEM! IT'S AN ABSOLUTE OUTRAGE! GET ME AN ATTORNEY! GET ME RALPH NADER ON THE PHONE, STAT! I DEMAND A RECOUNT! I DEMAND A RECALL! I DEMAND A CHOCOLATE FUDGE SUNDAE WITH A CHERRY! I DEMAND THAT THE KEYS IN THAT CAR DISENTERGRATE! I—"

"CALVIN, WILL YOU BE QUIET?" Mom hollered in frustration.

"Not until this car turns around. We all know how cheap Dad is! He's idea of entertainment is reading books and playing Monopoly!"

"Hey, that is wholesome entertainment, and you know it!" Dad snapped angrily. "I'll have you know it was the most entertaining thing around in my time."

"You mean when Carter was president? That was a time of Great Depression! The depression came from lack of television."

Dad rolled his eyes and spotted the sign on the roadside for the circus.

"We're here!"

Calvin looked out the window. His eyes bulged and his jaw dropped. Was that the circus he saw ahead of him?

The tent was red and white, not to mention actually big enough for the elephants this time. The ticket stand didn't look completely sleazy! There were actual popcorn, soda and cotton candy bins outside the front! The lions and tigers were fully fledged and actually ferocious-looking. The elephants were clean! This wasn't the circus! This was actual entertainment!

"_This_ is our circus? Now this is more like it! Much better than that cheap place last year!"

"Calvin, we didn't go to the circus last year. Last year we went to a carnival," Dad said.

"What's the difference?" Calvin whispered to Hobbes.

"Circuses have clean animals and nice games. Carnivals have carnies and you need to fill out papers for shots before you go in."

They got out of the car and eagerly ran towards the snacks area while Mom and Dad got the tickets.

"What should we get?" Calvin asked.

"Soda and cotton candy, soda and popcorn, popcorn and cotton candy, or soda and peanuts, or peanuts and cotton candy, or—"

"Ah, to heck with it! Let's take it all at once!"

Calvin and Hobbes jumped into the soda bins and grabbed five cans of each of the twenty varieties. They grabbed two pounds of peanuts and cotton candy, and then cleaned out the place that held popcorn.

The lady at the desk looked down at the boy with a ton of junk food and the stuffed tiger beside him.

"You got enough money to pay for that?"

"My parents over there are gonna pay for me."

Calvin pointed at two people at the other end who weren't his parents. He picked up the stuff and trudged away.

The lady looked up at the man and woman who were to pay for the popcorn.

"That'll be $113.39," she said.

"Boy, you people are expensive," said the man, pulling out his checkbook.

They went into the tent and sat on the side of the bleachers, hiding the food and such underneath. Mom and Dad sat down with them.

"Why'd you want to sit over here?" Dad asked.

"Nice view," said Calvin, munching on a bag of popcorn.

The lights dimmed and the show began. The ringmaster made his announcements that no one ever listened to, including car commercials and food for your elephant.

Calvin took a bag of popcorn and hurled it at him. "Get on with the show!" he shouted.

Finally, it was time for the first ring act. This included amateur acts, like the strongman, the music man and his cart, and the bearded lady.

"Slimy girls in their natural state," Calvin whispered to Hobbes.

The second ring act was a little bit better. This included the dancing fleas, the crazed elephants and the loudmouth lions.

"Simply not the king of jungle," Hobbes lamented. "They are simply amateurs compared to the tiger comrades. I don't see why _they_ aren't the stars! It's feline racism."

"They don't have manes," Calvin said simply. "It makes lions look tougher."

"Peshaw!"

After about ten minutes of going to the bathroom from too much Kiwi Watermelon Supreese, Calvin sat back down with Hobbes.

"Did I miss anything?"

"Just a weird guy telling chicken jokes and road jokes," Hobbes sighed. "They were about as exciting as a chicken crossing the road."

"Unless the chicken got hit by an oncoming car."

"That would be sick."

The ringmaster came back into the center ring. "Okay, hold your applause and your popcorn…," he paused to glance at Calvin, who was in midswing with his third bag, "…to welcome our third and best ring act ever! First up, please welcome Katie Cannonball!"

Calvin was about to let go of his popcorn, but this made him stop.

"Cannonball? What kind of a last name is that?"

Katie, a skilled human cannonball, quickly jammed herself into the cannon. There was a drum roll as the cannon was hoisted upwards towards a moving target.

Calvin and Hobbes didn't take their eyes off the cannon. Their eyes were as big and wide around as dinner plates.

"Is she actually going through with that?" Calvin whispered. "I always figured girls would be too chicken to try that."

He was creamed by an ice cream cone in the back of the head by a girl.

"HEY!" he yelled. "No, wait." He stuck his finger in the back of his hair and tasted the flavor. "Chocolate. You're forgiven."

The drum roll stopped. The cannon locked into position. The cord was given a good yank. There was an almighty _KABLAM_ that hurtled Katie towards the tent. She flew into the target, smashing it. She was lifted away into the darkness with much applause. Even Calvin whistled.

"I never thought I'd say it, but _she_ was good!"

He was hit by another ice cream cone. This time it was Vanilla.

"Oh, goody!" said Hobbes. "Chocolate Swirl!"

"Sweet!" said Calvin.

"Thank you!" said the ringmaster. "Now for our next act: Big Mickey's Highwire Act."

"Wouldn't that be dangerous for someone with the name 'Big Mickey'?" Hobbes wondered.

"Shut up and watch," Calvin said eagerly.

Big Mickey walked slowly onto the thin wire. He was over a thousand feet in the air. The safety net was ready if he were to fall, but he looked pretty confidant he didn't need it.

Calvin held his breath.

Hobbes covered his eyes.

Mom and Dad simply read magazines.

Big Mickey, holding a pole, did a flip, landing safely on the thin wire. Then he sat down on it. He swirled onto it, holding on by his hands and feet. Then he did it again with his teeth! Then he moonwalked across! He skipped, galloped, jumped, zigzagged, had the hiccups on, wobbled on and nearly threw up on it. Still, he safely made it to the other side.

The tent was filled with applause.

An ice cream flew past Calvin, hitting the floor.

"What'd you do _that_ for?" he yelled over his shoulder. "I didn't say anything yet."

"I just have a low opinion of that flavor," the girl replied.

Calvin rolled his eyes and returned to the matter at hand.

"That was Big Mickey!" the ringmaster said. "Now on to our next and final act: The Flying Porkowskies."

"Did he just say Porkowskies?" Hobbes whispered.

The Porkowskies were three men dressed up in pig suits that did the trapeze act. They were on the platforms and ready for takeoff. They jumped off and grabbed onto the first trapeze swing. They swung past each other and onto the others' swings. They twisted and flipped and squealed. They jumped through the ropes and grabbed onto the swing between their legs. They flipped and swung each other by their ankles. They swung with their toes. They snorted with their plastic snouts.

"How do they do it?" Calvin gasped.

"Years of practice," Hobbes sighed. "It's kind of like water balloons."

"Imagine how many girls we could soak from up there."

Another ice cream cone was thrown. This one hit Dad in the back of the head.

The tent erupted with applause as the trapezes were stopped and they all climbed down.

"That's our show!" the ringmaster shouted. "Now get out!"

Calvin and Hobbes felt their jaws hit the ground.

"That's it?" Calvin cried. "But it was getting good!"

"Come on, Calvin," said Mom. "Let's try some of the games."

Calvin groaned in disappointment. He grabbed his stuffed tiger and walked after his parents, leaving several empty cartons and cans under the bleachers, which he had forgotten about completely.

The games were pretty tame. All you could do was smack a gopher, pin a tale in a book, blow darts at a hot-air balloon, or go through the Tunnel of Love.

Guess which one Mom and Dad went down.

"We're going to take the Tunnel of Love," said Mom. "You and Hobbes wait here."

"Whatever," Calvin sighed, sipping his twelfth can of Orange Tang Disclosure.

Once his parents were gone, Calvin noticed the back of tent was unguarded. Better yet, no one was inside the tent. Everyone was signing autographs.

"Hobbes, my brain just hatched an idea!" he said, tossing his can in the wastebasket.

"Uh-oh."

"We're gonna explore the Big Top!"

"What for?"

"We're gonna join the circus! Come on!"

Normally, Hobbes would've been able to snatch him, but after all that soda and cotton candy, Calvin was so hyped up on sugar, he was too fast! He was worse than when he was after he'd eaten Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs.

"Get back here!" he shouted.

Calvin was so fast, no one saw him sneak in!

"Okay,we'regonnahavetofigureoutwhichthingwewannaridefirst.Imean,afterall,weneedtopickthecoolestjobaround,notlikethecheaplookingcustodianoverthere.I'mtalkingaboutridingacoolcannonballorthe—"

"Freeze!" Hobbes shouted.

Calvin froze in his position. He was so hyper that he was talking at fifteen beats per minute.

"What makes you think anyone is going to take us in? We don't have any experience! You can barely walk, let alone chew gum while doing it!"

"Give me one good reason why that's at all important."

Hobbes slapped his forehead. "In short, you need to be graceful to be a circus guy."

"Pheh," Calvin snorted. "That's ridiculous. Come on, let's hit the stage!"

He shot off so fast that to Hobbes, he disappeared in the dust he had kicked up.

"This is _so_ not a good thing," he sighed.

Calvin blasted up and around the tent, looking for some fun. He instantly found the one thing that he shouldn't have: Katie's Cannon.

"Hoo, this is gonna be a bucket of yuks!" he cried. He zipped up and into the opening up front. He slid down and into the bottom. However, he didn't have on a crash helmet.

"Pull the cord, Hobbes!"

Hobbes finally caught up with the crazed kid and didn't hear what he'd said. He picked up a rope on the bottom.

"What's this for?" he wondered aloud. He gave it a mighty tug, which was a big mistake.

_KABLOOIE!_

"WHAAAAAAHHOOOOOOOO!" Calvin shouted. He was blasted out of the cannon and up into the tent. The tent was soft, so he was pushed against it and pushed back again.

"Not good!" Hobbes cried.

Calvin flew back down like a C-Bomb and was hurled into the safety net. He bounced back up and grabbed onto the trapeze swings. He grabbed on and swung over towards the next one, but he wasn't tall enough, and that resulted in him missing and falling past the net.

Hobbes covered his eyes.

Calvin smashed into the popcorn vendor. His foot hit a lever, putting it at full blast. He only got to eat one handful of popcorn before the whole thing exploded from too much popcorn in it. He force sent him flying up and into the air towards the tent again. He was sent back onto a trapeze swing. He sat on the bar and was flung over towards the platform. He jumped it like a diving board and did a back flip into the net.

"Cannonball!" he cried.

He bounced off the net twice as hard as before, and he was sent hurtling back up onto a higher platform, where was sent flying onto a unicycle. He was crazed on sugar that he pedaled at full force. He went straight across the high wire at top speed, reaching the other side in nothing flat.

"Look at me, Hobbes!" he shouted. "I'm a bird! I'm a plane!"

"You're a freak, is what you are!" Hobbes shouted. "Get down before you get hurt!"

Calvin ignored him and pedaled even harder. "Wheeee!" Faster and faster he went. He went so fast he didn't stop in time. He continued on along the wire and to the other side, only to fly off straight towards the top of the tent again.

This time, he went so fast that he ripped through the tent and straight into the sky. He hit a large, inflated clown head, which he surfed over everything like a surfboard. He splattered through the pie throwing machine, got an ice cream cone stuck to his head, smashed through the face painting station and bounced off the clown head into the air.

Mom and Dad were just leaving the Tunnel of Love. Calvin instantly landed in the boat. When they looked at him, they saw that he looked like a very bad and underpaid clown.

"Having fun, Calvin?" Mom asked.

"He's just reminding us where love leads to," said Dad.

Calvin turned green and leaned his head over the edge of the boat, throwing up what he'd eaten before.

"Oh dear, are you okay?" Mom asked.

"I'm fine," Calvin said, regaining himself. He noticed the path of destruction that lay behind him. "On the other hand, I think I need to go home. I fell, uh, really bad inside. Can we please hit the road?"

"Sure," Mom said.

"Thanks. Let's head to the car _that_ way. We don't need to make a scene with me throwing up again."

He quickly got them out around back, where he met Hobbes, and they hurried off into the car before they were caught.

"Well, I think we learned something for once," Hobbes said. "We learned that sugar and a circus should not go with you, right?"

He looked down in the seat and saw that Calvin was sipping another can of Root Beer Rhubarb Bolt From the Blue.

"I'm sorry, did you say something?"

Hobbes rolled his eyes. "Never mind."


	8. A Bout with a Box

Calvin looked around the room. It was in here somewhere. That old thing could run, but it couldn't hide. As much as it hated its purpose in life to serve, Calvin wasn't about to let it get away. He was going to put it to work, whether it wanted to or not.

Finally, Calvin spotted something sneaking around the corner. This was it. He attacked.

"Where do you think _you're_ going?" Calvin yelled. He tackled it.

Hobbes was on the bed, reading the funnies. "Goodness, Calvin. It's just a box."

"Yes, but it is a tough box," Calvin shot back.

He rolled around on the floor until he wound up under it. There was _BRZAP_ from under the box and a shade of bright purple from under it.

"Hobbes, hit the UNDO button on the side," he said.

"Why, what happened?" Hobbes asked without looking up. "What'dja turn into this time?"

"It can't be shown on National Television, nor can it be described in words. We'd get into trouble with the church market. Just hit UNDO."

"Whatever," Hobbes said. He lazily extended a finger and hit a drawn on button marked UDNO.

Calvin was zapped back to normal, and he crawled out from underneath. He scurried out from underneath, and flipped the arrow around towards a new word: away from _TRANSMOGRIFIER _to _TIME MACHINE_.

The box flipped over onto its bottom and the top opened up.

Calvin climbed in and put his vortex goggles on. Then he just stood there and looked at Hobbes.

After about ten seconds, Hobbes finally decided to look up at him.

"What?" Hobbes asked.

"Get in."

"No."

"Oh, come on! It's not the dinosaur ages this time! It's the _future_! I've updated the computer program, and we can face any direction we want, and we can get to the future. We'll take pictures of it, and we'll be famous when we get back! We'll finally get some respect, and Mom will sign me up for driving school!"

Hobbes rolled his eyes. "I'm not taking any chances with you. You hardly know anything about technology. You crashed your Dad's computer, and then you actually _did_ crash it."

"The mouse jumped me, and I pulled a little too hard trying to unplug it! No bid deal! I'm lucky to be alive!"

"Yeah, and you're unlucky to be grounded for a week."

Calvin snorted. "Fine! I don't need you. I'll get famous and rich all on my own!"

He pressed some buttons and he disappeared in a beam of light.

Hobbes returned to his newspaper funnies.

Half a minute passed before the light came back and so did Calvin. Calvin leaped from the box and got on his knees, hands clasped together.

"PLEASE COME WITH ME! I HATE DOING THESE THINGS BY MYSELF! PLEASE!"

Hobbes rolled his eyes at how pathetic this kid could be at times. It was too sad to watch. He finally tossed the funnies aside and joined him.

"Fine. Anything to see you quite possibly ruin everything in the world."

"Thank you," Calvin said, missing the sarcasm.

Calvin pushed a few buttons again, and they disappeared in the light.

Hobbes observed his surroundings. Lightening flashed everywhere, and it looked like they were in a blue, swirling tunnel. Pictures of famous events flew past.

"This is new," he commented. "We seem to be going slower."

"Right. I modified the speed of the engine, and now we can stop worrying about missing our stop, and _you_ will stop that silly moaning."

The box swerved through the bends in the tunnel, and lightening blasted at it dangerously.

"Whenever something is better, something else is worse," Hobbes said, covering his head.

Calvin was too busy enjoying himself to take notice.

They also didn't notice that the images that were rushing past them were changing. One minute, technology seemed to boom and cars were whizzing past. The next, lizards were walking by.

Calvin was too excited to pay attention. He spotted a row of numbers just in front of them. There was a portal with a fiery flame lit around it.

"Year 2112 AD," he read. "This is our stop! We're probably far enough into the future to steal technology."

Hobbes looked behind him and saw that the future didn't look so good.

"Uh, Calvin?"

"HOLD ON!"

The time machine hurtled through the portal and they flew out into the future.

"Wow!" said Calvin. "This all looks so…so…familiar."

"Are you sure this the year 2112?" asked Hobbes.

"That's what it said at the portal entrance."

"Then something is seriously wrong here."

Calvin landed the time machine, and they left it alone. They searched the place. Just as they had suspected, dinosaurs were roaming the area.

"There's a Diplodocus!" said Calvin. "This is the Jurassic!"

"But this is supposed to be the AD," said Hobbes. "How can the Jurassic Creatures be here when it's after the meteor shower?"

Calvin thought for a while, and then he slapped his forehead.

"Of course! It all makes sense! Don't you see how Dad gets uglier and uglier in the morning? He is devolving! That's what happened here! All time has gone into reverse! Everyone is becoming an ape, which we all probably will be by the year 2089. Then we'll all go back into the ocean, and then the dinosaur eggs in the museums will hatch, and dinosaurs will come back!" He inhaled deeply.

Hobbes examined the landscape. "I suppose it was bound to happen sooner or later."

Calvin waved his hand around. "Is it muggy around here, or is it just me?"

Hobbes' pupils shrank. "I recognize that smell! It's dinosaur breath." Then his eyes bulged.

"Don't tell me. There's one right behind me, isn't there?" Calvin asked monotonly.

Hobbes nodded slowly.

"Well then, I suggest that we…RUN FOR OUR LIVES!"

Calvin and Hobbes whirled around and rocketed down the path back towards the time machine. They hopped in, put on their vortex goggles and made furiously hit some buttons.

Nothing happened.

"What's wrong now?" Hobbes asked.

"The components in the electrical circuits aren't working. They're dead. We need a fresh kind to make the electricity we need."

"Where're we gonna get the right stuff out here in the Jurassic?" asked Hobbes.

"I don't know. Thankfully, the time machine is the only part of this thing that's broken."

Calvin leaned out over the edge turned the arrow.

The box shuddered and sprouted wings and a propeller. It was now in airplane mode. With a cough and a sputter, the box took off into the air.

Well, sorta.

It would take a few minutes to get up high enough, and until then, they were only five feet off the ground.

"Oh, this is just terrific," Hobbes moaned.

The allosaur was just inches away.

"IT'S BREATHING DOWN MY NECK!" Hobbes shouted.

Calvin looked around frantically. He spotted a cave just ahead. He steered into it.

"No!" Hobbes said.

They ducked into the cave. The allosaur couldn't follow them.

"That was close," said Calvin.

"That was not a good move," Hobbes said angrily. "Now we're trapped with a dumb dinosaur waiting to tear us apart."

Calvin pushed Hobbes out of the box, and then he got out.

"Don't worry, Hobbes. As long as we have the box, we're safe. Now then, I have a pair of batteries in my pocket for just such emergencies. However, we can't leave through here. The only way out is through that way and we have to get rid of the allosaur."

"How are we going to do that?"

Calvin went to the box. He flipped the arrow around.

The wings and propeller went back inside the box, and then flipped over again.

"Ah, the Transmogrifier," Calvin said. "The grandfather of my inventions. The one that started the whole thing. Let us pause for a moment of respect, shall we."

A choir sang as Calvin and Hobbes bowed their heads for a few seconds.

"All right, that's enough."

Calvin dove under the box.

"Okay! Set if for Pterodactyl, and get it right this time."

Hobbes didn't waste his breath, and he turned the little arrow on the front towards _PTERODACTYL_. Then he pressed the button on the side.

The box vibrated vigorously. Steam poured from it. Finally, Calvin popped out, but he wasn't Calvin anymore.

Actually, he wasn't a pterodactyl either.

He was a frog.

"Hey!" he shouted. "What happened?"

Hobbes didn't answer. He was too busy laughing at him.

"Some techno-whiz you are!" he chortled. "You don't know the first thing about technology."

Calvin scowled. Then he shot his new, rubber tongue out and struck Hobbes' head.

"Hey!" Hobbes shouted. "Get off of me! Stop it! AAHHH!"

Calvin couldn't reply. He was being thrashed around like a yo-yo, bouncing off of Hobbes head and then hitting the ground.

They scrambled out into the open past the allosaur. The allosaur went in for the kill.

Hobbes ripped Calvin's tongue off of him and hurled him at the dinosaur.

Calvin tongue stuck to the creature's nose. "EEW!" he shrieked.

The allosaur backed up and thrashed, trying to get the frog off of his face. It worried Calvin was trying to attack it, and once Calvin flew off, it ran off.

Calvin landed with a thud on the ground.

"Not how I would have done it," said Hobbes, "but effective."

Calvin shot his tongue into the cave and brought the Transmogrifier out. He hopped under it and returned to normal.

"Well, that was stupid _and_ weird," said Calvin, dusting himself off.

"What did it taste like?" Hobbes asked.

"I'm not at liberty to say."

Calvin took out his batteries, but he failed to notice some small creatures were observing the box. One turned the arrow, and it turned into the Duplicator. With the opening on the side, they could easily pile in. The box wobbled and shook. It tipped over, hitting the button, making its trademark "boink" noise.

Calvin and Hobbes looked up upon hearing it.

"Did you just hear scientific progress?" Hobbes asked.

Calvin looked the box.

"How did it become the Duplicator?"

The box jumped towards them. They jumped back.

Calvin cautiously opened it. Out poured a brigade of tiny dinosaurs. They attacked.

"LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!" Hobbes shouted.

Calvin grabbed the box and they ran for the cave. Hobbes was right behind him, and right him were the dinosaurs.

"Why did we run here?" asked Calvin.

"Well, we know how to get rid of clones, right?" said Hobbes.

"Oh yeah!" said Calvin.

The dinosaurs charged them.

Calvin and Hobbes stood in front of the box, open-sided.

The second they knew they weren't going to stop, they back flipped over the box, allowing the dinosaurs to charge into Duplicator.

Hobbes quickly shoved the box into place, and it became the Transmogrifier again. Calvin spun the arrow, not caring where it ended. It stopped on _GARDEN SLUG_. A bunch of slugs wriggled out from underneath it.

"Hey, that was fortunate!" said Calvin.

"Not to mention gross. Now the box has slime all over the inside."

"Big deal. Let's get in this thing and get home. I don't care for this time. I doubt I'll live this long, so I have no problem."

Calvin turned it into the Time Machine, and they hopped into it. Calvin installed the batteries.

"It'll take approximately thirty seconds to finish charging."

Hobbes sat for a moment before he noticed his tail had become all bushy. He sensed something coming. He looked behind himself.

"Allosaur's back!" he screamed.

Calvin checked his watch frantically. "We still need to wait fifteen minutes."

The Allosaur reached down the gobble them up.

"We don't have time!" said Hobbes.

Slowly, the Time Machine was warming up and rising.

"Eight!" said Calvin.

The portal appeared, with a gate right in front of it.

"Five!"

The Allosaur roared loudly and went in for the kill.

"AAAAAAAHHH!" screamed Hobbes.

"Two."

The gate dropped and the flames around the portal were ignited.

"Let's hit it!" Calvin yelled. They sailed right into the portal.

The Allosaur's jaws got stuck in the portal.

Lightening flashed all around in the blue, swirling vortex as Calvin and Hobbes flew through it, watching things turn back to the way they were supposed to be. They spotted the portal in their room, and they flew out.

Unfortunately, the portal was opened at the window's direction. Calvin couldn't get the brakes to work, and they flew out the window. The crash landed in Mom's rose bushes.

"Ow!" said Hobbes.

"This is why we wear goggles when we travel," said Calvin.

"I don't suppose our funding could get us helmets too?"

"CALVIN!" a familiar voice shouted.

"Uh, hi, Mom!" Calvin said brightly.

What he wouldn't give to get the airplane working right now.


	9. Calvin Bueller's Day Off

It was early morning. Calvin and Hobbes stood innocently on the sidewalk waiting for the bus to come.

Or so it seemed.

Calvin and Hobbes were actually hiding in the hedges, watching their clones stand there.

"Are you sure this is going to work?" Hobbes asked.

"Sure it will. I see no problem in this plan. We send our clones to school, and then we make a run for the town."

"Why are we doing this again?"

"So I can skip school for the day! It's foolproof. I can send our clones. To school, and no one will be the wiser. I won't have to take that dumb history test about Europe. I mean, what's the point? I'm not European. I don't plan on being European. So who cares if they're socialists? They could be fascist anarchists for all I care, and it still doesn't change the fact that I don't own a car."

"A very good point," said Hobbes. "Still, does that mean you disregard fascism?"

"I don't disregard _any_ ism. Isms, in my view, are not good. It's like the GROSS motto. We don't believe in slimy girls; we just believe in ourselves."

"You should've been the walrus."

The bus pulled in. The clones boarded the bus. The bus pulled away.

Calvin winked at Hobbes. "Now we have to be careful. Mom and Dad are still here, and we need to sneak upstairs to our room to get our ride on the town."

"Are we gonna ride the box or the wagon?" asked Hobbes.

"Neither. We're gonna ride that car that grandma sent me for Christmas."

"You mean…?"

"Yes."

They managed to sneak up to the bedroom by going up their usual reentry for when Rosalyn was chasing them around the house. They scrambled up into the bedroom window by rope ladder and into the bedroom.

They opened the closet.

Hobbes grinned down at the car. "The Fischer-Price battery operated car model of the 1961 Ferrari, 250 GT California. Less than fifty were made. You were lucky your grandma got you this before they discontinued the style."

Calvin looked it over. It was still in perfect shape. It had the horse on the front fender. It had the AA Battery-Powered Headlights. It had those extremely wicked hubcaps. It had the yellow rectangle with a stallion silhouette with the word Ferrari under it.

"We got into some trouble with this thing," said Hobbes.

"It's a good thing Dad didn't decide to toss it. We'll make a duplicate of it so we can sneak it in and out everyone once in a while."

"Whoa, are you serious? Your dad said that if you rode this thing again, we'd be in big trouble."

"A man with suck whacky priorities doesn't deserve such a fine automobile," Calvin chuckled. "_Che bella_."

Calvin hopped in and oozed into the leather, light brown seats.

"Do you think he checks the mileage?" Hobbes wondered.

"Do you think he'll trust us?"

"Never has, never will."

"Look, if he does, whatever miles we put on, we take off."

"How?"

"We drive home backwards."

Hobbes chuckled. "How do propose we get it out of here without your parents noticing."

Calvin checked his watch. "By now, Dad has left. As for Mom, don't worry. I have this.

He pulled out the infamous hypercube.

"You just put me and the car inside of it, go out the window, and then take us out on the sidewalk. It'll work both ways."

Hobbes sighed. He took the hypercube and held it up to the car. The car was sucked inside.

"WAHOO!" cried Calvin.

The noise was heard from downstairs.

Mom ran upstairs and looked around.

"CALVIN, WHEREVER YOU ARE, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE AT SCHOOL!"

She looked everywhere. Under the bed, in the closet and even in his dresser. The only other being she could see was a stuffed tiger hold a juice box. She scratched her head and left.

Hobbes sighed with relief and climbed out the window. All the way down, he muttered to himself, "We could've rented a nice Cadillac. We could've called a stretch limo with a TV and soda machine…"

He emptied the hypercube on the sidewalk, and Calvin and the car fell out.

Calvin happily revved the engine a couple of times. It sounded like a real car to him. To everyone passing by, it sounded like a cat coughing up a furball.

"Come on! Live a little!" he called to Hobbes.

Hobbes sighed and hopped into the passenger seat.

Calvin stomped on the gas. Despite being a toy car, this thing was fast. It tore off down the sidewalk at 20MPH!

"WHEEEE!" cried Hobbes.

Calvin turned on their radio, and they put on their sunglasses.

* * *

They drove all about the city. Big shiny buildings whizzed past as Calvin and Hobbes tore down the sidewalks in their car, nearly knocking several people over.

Calvin had a load of fun. He let go of the steering wheel to scare Hobbes several times. At least he did until Hobbes finally hit him.

Finally, they decided they'd pull over in the park parking lot. There was a special place reserved for such cars, and they pulled into it.

They hopped out, and Calvin put the key in his pocket and put on the car alarm.

"Are you sure this is a safe place to leave it?" Hobbes asked.

"Hobbes, my money is in my pocket, the key is in my pocket, the lint is in my pocket… I'd say we're all set to walk downtown."

They took one last look at the car before they started to look around the city.

* * *

Later on, they were walking across crosswalks and sidewalks, looking at the sites.

"This is perfect!" said Calvin. "How could I endure school on a beautiful spring day like today?"

"Hey, look at that building!" said Hobbes.

To their left was the biggest building they had ever seen! It was bigger than the building Dad worked in.

"Come on! Let's check it out!" Calvin said.

They eagerly ran up the stairs and looked the place over. It wasn't very quiet. They saw a banner that read _RETIREMENT DAY_! Lot's of old people were giving speeches. There were tables lined with snacks.

"Cool!" said Calvin.

"This must be the time of the month when people retire."

Calvin and Hobbes scoped out the lobby. They weaved through the groups of people. Everyone just assumed he was a retiree's grandson.

They finally made it to the snack table. There was a giant cake in the back of the spread that was surrounded by a swarm of chips, dip, cookies and pie.

"We must free the cake and claim it as our own," Calvin declared.

"What, we can't just take a slice?"

"Act casual. Just eat pie and cookies."

So they did. They ate slowly, shifting their eyes back and forth. They scooted further down the table, eating a plate of something. They rounded the table and ate strictly what was on the other end. Finally, when they were three feet away from the cake, they dove under the table.

"So far, so good," said Calvin. "Now we just need to slice some of the cake. Get five or six slices."

"What, _I_ have to do it?"

"Keep out of sight by hiding behind the cake. It's wide enough to keep you from being noticed."

Hobbes groaned and grabbed the cutting knife. Much to his amazement, no one seemed to notice him. He stuck his finger in the cake to see if it was any good.

"It's delicious," he said happily.

He quickly cut several slices of the cake until his ten plates were full.

Calvin took his own ten, and then they carefully dumped them into the hypercube.

Whistling, they slipped from under the table and stood there calmly.

"Unbelievable!" said Hobbes. "It's too good to be true!"

"HEY!" an elderly voice yelled. "WHO CUT THE CAKE?"

"It _was_ too good to be true," said Calvin.

They tore off down the hall and through the door as carefully as he could. They found themselves in a room with a bunch of chairs. It looked like an operating room viewing place, but instead it was the stock people making those weird hand signals.

So they sat back and tucked in and mocked them.

* * *

After a few minutes, they had eaten their fill, and they left with a bunch of empty paper plates scattered all over the place.

Calvin checked his watch.

"It's eleven-thirty," he said. "Where do you want to have lunch?"

* * *

A few minutes later, they were standing inside a local McDonalds. Calvin walked up to the counter.

"What would you like to order," said a fifteen-year-old boy.

"I would like to order two kids meals. One would be a hamburger, hold the mayo, pickle, lettuce and tomato, and the other should be a cheeseburger, made the same, but double the mustard on it. Both are to have Cokes."

"That will be $5.25," he said.

Calvin put the money on the counter, and a few minutes later, he delivered to cartons to Hobbes.

"Did you say extra mustard like I asked?" Hobbes asked.

"You betcha."

They unwrapped their burgers and dumped the fries on the wrapping. They sipped their sodas, and then they dug in further until they pulled out their toys.

"Sweet!" said Calvin. "I got the dinosaur!"

"_I_ got the saber-toothed tiger!" said Hobbes. "All _right_!"

"See, Hobbes?" Calvin grinned. "You said we wouldn't have any fun today. Shame on you."

Hobbes grinned. "All right, I admit that I'm having a good time. We should seriously consider sending the clones in our place more often! And not just for school. How about the camping trips?"

"Yeah!" said Calvin. "We could leave them with Rosalyn too! I mean, this is the life! We've been eating nothing but junk food all day, and we've seen some of the coolest sights ever! I must say that this is a top dollar day!"

They finished their meals and put the toys in the hypercube.

Then they got up to leave, but someone familiar was walking out of the restroom!

"Get back!" whispered Calvin. "It's Dad!"

"What's he doing here?" Hobbes hissed.

"He must've just stopped here because he wasn't near the convenient store next door."

They held their breath. Dad ordered a soda, and then he got in his car and left.

"Phew!" Calvin said, letting out a sigh of relief. "4000 restaurants in the downtown area alone and _we_ picked the one that Dad had to go to the restroom in. Still, let's remember one of our mottos: when the meek get pinched, the bold survive."

They put on their sunglasses, snapped their fingers and strolled in the opposite direction Dad had gone in: into the gas station across the street.

"I love gas stations like these here," Calvin sighed. "A brightly lit place fully stocked with every known form of snack, open all the time. I mean, if you have a craving for a foot-long hoagie at midnight, it's no problem. If you're hungry for spicy pork rinds and a microwaveable burrito at three in the morning, they go ya covered. And what about those slushies? Icy nectar of the gods."

They stocked up on some candy bars and soda, paid for them, and they went back out to eat some more on the bench outside.

* * *

After their snacks, sat and watched a little league game in the ballpark. It was quite a game. Hobbes managed to catch a foul ball.

They both chanted together, "Hey, batter, batter, batter, batter, swing batter."

"Kennedy, Kennedy, Kennedy, Kennedy, suh-wing battah!" said Hobbes.

"Do you realize that if I played by the rules, I'd be in gym right now?" Calvin laughed.

Next up on their tour was the Natural History Museum. It cost more money than Calvin had to get in, so he pretended to be in the field trip that filed in, and they slipped away. They looked at all the dinosaur exhibits, and then they managed to critique all the paintings and sculptures. They had a great time laughing at the paintings.

* * *

Later into the afternoon, they were reclining in some trees.

"I must admit," Hobbes said, "that this has been a great day. I don't want it to ever end!"

Calvin looked at his watch. "Okay, today's the day Mom has her book club, so she'll be home by around six, which is the same time Dad'll get home. That gives us about three hours. I think two of those hours should be spent wisely."

"How do we do that?"

Calvin looked around the park. He saw a party going on with a karaoke machine.

"I have an idea. Come with me."

* * *

While no one was looking, Hobbes snuck backstage and inserted a CD from Calvin's hypercube and flashed Calvin a thumbs-up.

Calvin winked and got up onstage. He put on his sunglasses just in case he was recognized.

There were murmurs of "Who is he?" and "Where'd he come from?" in the audience.

Calvin pointed at Hobbes, who hit the _PLAY _button. Then he jumped up on stage, but he was just his simple stuffed tiger self to everyone else.

Calvin spoke into the microphone. "Ladies and gentlemen, you've been such a great audience that I'd like to introduce ourselves in a little song I like to call…"

He didn't finish. The music kicked in as Calvin jumped in the air, and the music voice on the CD came on.

_We're Calvin and Hobbes! ROCK!_

_You're not Calvin or Hobbes! ROCK!_

_We're both Calvin and Hobbes! ROCK!_

_Calvin! Hobbes! Calvin! Hobbes! ROCK!_

_We're Calvin and Hobbes._

_We have loads of fun that could be measured up in gobs! Gobs!_

_Hobbes! Gobs! Calvin! Hobbes! Gobs._

_Ya can't mess with us._

_That's on a-counta we're both Calvin and Hobbes!_

_We are Cal and Hobbes!_

_If you wanna be like us, we suggest you bring your lunch._

_We have a lot a talent, and adventure, not to mention more fun!_

Through loud cheers, Calvin scatted and got down wit' his bad self.

_We're Calvin and Hobbes! ROCK!_

_You're not Calvin or Hobbes! ROCK!_

_We're both Calvin and Hobbes! ROCK!_

_Calvin! Hobbes! Calvin! Hobbes! ROCK!_

On the last note, there was a KABLAM! When the smoke cleared, Calvin had disappeared, but the sound of a guitar could be heard all around…

Backstage, Calvin and Hobbes winked. They took the CD and left.

* * *

As they finally came back to the park, they found their car was in perfect condition. A quick inspection verified that it was just as how they'd left it.

"This looks okay to me, Hobbes," Calvin said.

"Looks great. Let's roll," said Hobbes. "If we want to make it back for your parents do."

Calvin and Hobbes quickly hopped into the car.

"Okay, we only have an hour, so we need to drive as fast as we can."

"Right, so let's fasten our seatbelts."

After the seatbelts were fastened, they recharged the battery, and they tore out of the playground.

"I feel pretty good," Hobbes said happily.

"Strangely, so do I," Calvin agreed. "It's amazing we didn't throw up today."

They tore up the sidewalks at top speed, which for them was about 30MPH! They soared down the thankfully clear path.

"We're doing great!" Calvin chuckled. "Let's keep it here."

He set the cruise control, and all he had to do was steer.

They tore out across a street, causing a car to stop short. They drove through the hedges and through someone's front lawn.

"Why're we taking _this_ path?" asked Hobbes.

"Dad's going to overtake us if we go the way we came. This way is shorter."

They floored it through the lawn, through the dividing hedges and into the next yard. They rounded up through a picnic and around the corner of the house. They crossed the street and into the next yard. They dove through a cookout, snagging a couple of sodas. They tossed the empty cans into a recycling bin, and then they shot down the sidewalk.

Meanwhile, Dad was currently on his way home. He turned left at the intersection and headed for home.

Calvin and Hobbes rode up a deck chair, splashing in the mud, splutting two reclining teenage girls. They gave each other a high-five.

Dad stopped at a stop sign to have some Tic-Tacs. It nearly got his headlights smashed.

Protected by the shrubbery, Calvin and Hobbes drove down a shady sidewalk.

Dad got stuck behind an old lady who kept swerving because she couldn't see over the steering wheel.

Calvin swerved and skidded past a group meeting in front of someone's house.

Dad finally got past the old lady, and continued to drive. He passed Calvin and Hobbes.

"Oh no!" cried Hobbes. "What'll we do now?"

Calvin responded by swerving off the sidewalk and back through another yard. They wound up entering the front door, passing through the kitchen and out the backdoor, over the deck and soaring out through the shrubbery dividing the lawns.

Finally, just ahead was a house that was in their own neighborhood. They could see the tree on the other side of the tall hedges that had the held GROSS Headquarters.

"The hedges are too tall!" shouted Hobbes.

"Hang on!" Calvin cried.

He swerved so that they went up the slide and into the air. They dropped back down, only for the car to bounce off of the giant trampoline and over the hedge!

Calvin and Hobbes bailed out and dove into the tree house safely. The car went up and got stuck in the tree.

They heard a pair of cars pull up.

"We made it!" cried Calvin.

"Wahoo!" added Hobbes.

Mom and Dad entered the backyard.

"Hey sport!" called Dad. "Miss Wormwood called and said you were strangely well-behaved today. Up for a cookout tonight?"

"You bet!" Calvin said. "Break out the steaks!"

They went back inside to get the cooking materials.

"Phew!" Calvin sighed. "I skipped school, and they'll never know. All we have to do is unduplicate our clones and get the car into the hypercube."

"Where exactly _are_ our clones?" asked Hobbes, looking around.

_But that's another story…_


	10. XTREME Calvinball!

Calvin and Hobbes ran about the yard, setting up wickets. Once the yard was covered in them, they then tossed a volleyball and some badmintons out into the play field, along with a ping-pong ball.

They put on their masks.

Calvin picked up a tennis racquet.

Hobbes picked up a croquet mallet and grabbed onto a stick horse.

There was a nerve-rattling silence.

Finally, Calvin shouted, "PLAY BALL!"

They dashed out into the backyard, and their latest rousing game of Calvinball was put into action.

Calvin scooped up the volleyball with a racquet and smacked it towards Hobbes, who hit back with a mallet.

"Okay, the first one to hit the volleyball fifteen times gets a bonus round that involves getting it stuck in the tree, and then the other one must get it down within five seconds," Calvin said.

"Okay, but I just stepped into the Outskirts of Peripheral Nature," Hobbes replied. "You must now toss me a badminton while I do unimportant things with it until you've made it to a fallen branch with five points on it."

So Calvin whacked a badminton to Hobbes, and he searched the yard while swatting several sticks.

Hobbes picked up the badminton and tossed it up in the air, bounced it off his nose, swatted it with his tail and slammed it into the ground.

Calvin finally found the stick he was looking for. "HA! I get to have double points as the stick does because it's currently an even number month!"

Hobbes kicked the badminton away, and then he rode the stick horse towards Calvin and shouted, "Now you have to try and lasso the horse without touching me with the stick!"

At first, that didn't make any sense, but then Calvin knew what to do!

He ran after Hobbes with the stick, and he managed to get the stick through the rope on the head of the stick horse. He wrapped it around carefully and then yanked it out from Hobbes' grasp.

"Okay! That's Z points for me!"

"Well, for making it all the way here, _I_ get four points!"

"Some victory _that_ is."

"Actually, I'm in the shade of the great maple tree. That means I get to give myself any amount of points I wish, so four times four is sixteen, plus four is twenty, plus seven is twenty-seven, which means I'm ahead by one point."

"No fair using math against me!" Calvin shouted.

"Without math, there is no game."

Calvin grunted. He searched the yard. For some reason, this game was starting to get a little dull and repetitive.

Then Calvin got an idea. He spotted a red blob just over there on the sidewalk.

"Now we have to find the red mountain of water and get to spray Susie for fifteen points," he decided. He pulled Dad's wrench out of his pocket.

Hobbes looked on and followed quickly as Calvin ran to the fire hydrant on the street.

Calvin spotted Susie just down the sidewalk playing with her dolls.

"Are you sure this is okay?" Hobbes asked.

"It's in the official Calvinball rulebook until I say it isn't. Now give me a hand here."

They set the wrench in just the right spot to loosen it up.

Hobbes then pulled off the right nozzle, and a jet fast blast of cold water shot out and hit Susie, knocking her towards her neighbor's house!

"WHOO!" Calvin shouted, tightening the fire hydrant! "That was incredible!"

"Not to mention worth fifteen points!" added Hobbes.

"CALVIN!" Susie shouted.

"Okay, now we have to hop around on one foot until someone finds an old soda can we can whack into the gutter, and that will give one of us the ability to make a decree."

"Very well!"

"And let's do it fast. Susie's almost got her wind back."

They immediately started hopping down the street, passing people who saw a kid in a mask carrying a stuffed tiger wearing a mask, hopping on one foot.

"Come on!" Calvin said.

"I see one!" Hobbes cried.

He quickly took the can and whacked it with a nearby stick. After bouncing off a couple of cars, it bounced down into the gutter.

"Okay, my decree is that you have to go back and be beaten up by Susie for spraying her."

"WHAT?"

"You heard me. Get going."

Calvin groaned and walked back. However, Calvin thought ahead. As he walked, he walked onto a square of sidewalk that had a chalk drawing of a bunny on it.

"AH-HA!" he shouted. "I just stepped into the Bunny Square of Reverse! Your decree is canceled out so that _I_ can make my own."

Hobbes covered his head.

"You have to…," he paused to look around. He spotted a lady unloading her groceries. "…get some carrots out of the grocery bags and throw them at an oncoming car!"

Hobbes went off-white. He had no choice, so he ran across the street and pulled out a bundle of carrots. He then started throwing them into the air, hoping for the best. Only three of the twelve hit any cars.

However, one slid down a manhole!

"Ha! I have triggered the Portal of Slime! That gives me the ability to enter it and collect five points worth of old slime."

He waited for a red light, and then he ducked down the manhole into the sewers below.

Calvin was tempted to follow him, and he did by running out into the road, with a green light. He quickly ran under the manhole just as a Chevy ran over the spot he was at.

He searched around. It was a dark underground tunnel he was in. Only the dim lights were able to light the way. He spied Hobbes scooping up slime from the greenish river in an old hardhat.

"I've almost got five more points!" Hobbes said.

"That's great. Now whoever finds an exciting way out of here gets an extra S amount of points, plus a chocolate coin."

"Sweet," Hobbes said, tossing the hat into the river, where it sunk.

Just then, they heard a faint puttering down the tunnel. Looking at each other, they spotted some men standing in black jumpsuits and wearing ski masks.

"Now we just have to get the jewels in the false brick here, and then we can make our getaway. Norm will be here at five to get them."

Calvin and Hobbes weren't paying attention to the robbers. They were looking at the cool motorboat that had been left in neutral. The key was in the ignition, and it looked cool.

"I win a coin!" Calvin whispered.

Tiptoeing towards it, they hopped in. Calvin turned the ignition.

The engine roared.

The robbers whirled around. "HEY!" they shouted.

Calvin floored it, and the boat shot off a like a rocket down the stream. They swerved around corners and flew down the paths. Green slime was thrown at them. They were bounced up into the air.

"We've passed sixteen lights," said Calvin. "One of us must recite an embarrassing poem."

"Very well," Hobbes said.

Calvin arched an eyebrow at Hobbes' confidence.

"There once was a boy in my house who once tried to ruin his mom's blouse," he said. "He was thrown in his room to await his doom, and soon was labeled a louse."

"Oh, shut up. You weren't there, so you don't know."

Finally, they came to the place where the waterfall was, and the way out was above them.

"Whoever can make this jump gets a bonus point, and they also get to throw a special throw with a makeshift Calvinball," Calvin said.

"What'll we use for the ball?" asked Hobbes.

"Whatever we can find!"

Calvin dropped a brick on the gas pedal, and he and Hobbes ran to the front and held on to the antennae.

"S…U…V…Now!" Calvin shouted.

Calvin and Hobbes jumped and made it to the gate to the manhole. They quickly crawled up and into broad daylight.

"Okay, that's a bonus point for you," said Calvin, as if nothing had just happened. "Find a Calvinball."

Hobbes, also oblivious as to having just been at great risk, started to search. He spotted an apple on a tree in the nearby city park.

"Okay, I get to hurl this thing in the air. If it hits a vertical surface, we have to go after it. If it hits a horizontal surface, we have to pick up five sticks and put them back in the tree."

"Right."

Hobbes hurled the apple into the air. It hit a streetlight, which was a vertical surface.

"After it!" cried Calvin.

However, that was easier said than done. It got caught on a truck's tailpipe, and the truck took off.

"Oh, perfect," said Calvin.

"Over here!" shouted Hobbes.

Calvin looked over and saw Hobbes had found some skateboards.

"Come on!"

Calvin and Hobbes jammed a pair of helmets onto their heads, and they pushed down the road after the truck.

"Get back here with the Calvinapple!"

The truck pulled off the main road and down the exit.

Calvin and Hobbes rode up the back of a ramp truck and swerved off onto the edge of the bridge. They were so desperate to get the Calvinapple back that they didn't realize how dangerous their situation was!

They landed and bounced off of several cars until they finally were right behind the truck.

"A little faster!" Hobbes shouted.

They pushed a little harder on the boards until they were right behind the truck.

"I'll get it!" Calvin called. He reached out and grabbed onto the truck. He wound up leaving the skateboard, and hanging on for dear life, but he didn't notice his danger. He was too busy concentrating.

"If I can loosen this thing up," Calvin shouted, "there's fifteen points for me."

"Then what?"

"_You_ think of something. I'm a little busy here."

Hobbes looked around. He saw a rope and hook dangling from the back of the truck. He pushed on the ground a little more, and grabbed it.

Calvin pulled out his tennis racquet and whacked the tailpipe repeatedly, almost totally breaking it off, but the apple came out at last.

"Okay, I got!" Calvin shouted. "That's fifteen points for me."

"Good for you, but _I'm_ about to earn _twenty _points!"

"Oh yeah? How?"

"Jump on."

Calvin jumped onto Hobbes' shoulders.

"Now what?"

"Take this rope and try to get a hook up on the bridge!"

Calvin saw the bridge of the next road up ahead. He twirled it around and around as fast as he could, and the hook flew up into the air. It went over the bridge, and got caught on the rear fender of a Cadillac.

They were instantly yanked off of the skateboard into the air.

The skateboard was instantly smashed by the oncoming traffic.

Calvin and Hobbes were instantly yanked up onto bridge. Calvin left the rope, but they landed in the back of a hay truck.

"Whew!" Calvin cried.

"Just out of pure curiosity, who's winning?"

"I don't know," said Calvin. "Hang on."

He pulled out a notepad in his back pocket and took out a pencil.

"Let's see, I earned Z in the backyard, and _you_ added up a few with complicated math, therefore getting twenty-seven points. Then we both earned fifteen points with the fire hydrant, which was my favorite part, and then you got five points worth of slime. Then you earned a point for that jump. Most recently I received fifteen points for getting that apple."

"So…?"

"I don't know."

It was then that the truck stopped. They leaned out and saw that they were at a red light. They hopped down and looked around.

"What happens next?" asked Hobbes.

Calvin scratched his chin and looked around. "Let's see……," he pondered. He then noticed a pair of scooters and a basketball sitting in the park. "First one to dunk the new Calvinball into a chimney is the winner!" he shouted.

They charged across the street and grabbed the scooters (they were still wearing their helmets). Hobbes grabbed the basketball and they scooted down the road. They blasted past everyone, knocking down innocent bystanders and their bags, and they took great jumps off of cars and vans, denting them crazily.

And all the while, they continued to toss the basketball back and forth between each other.

"Jump onto that truck over there!" shouted Calvin.

They turned out onto the road and went up onto a car carrier.

"What happens now?" asked Hobbes.

Calvin looked around. They were reentering their own neighborhood now.

"Jump up and into our lawn when we pass it!" said Calvin. "Climb up onto the top first."

They quickly climbed past the cars, leaving the scooters to bounce off and into the road. They made it to the top and they looked around.

"I see our yard!" Calvin shouted. "Get ready!"

Hobbes held onto the basketball. "Ready."

They waited a few seconds before they could finally jump.

"NOW!" Calvin shouted.

They leapt from the truck and they landed on mailbox, bouncing off and onto the roof, only to roll around on it until they were on the chimney.

"Bonus points!" shouted Calvin.

"WAIT!" cried Hobbes, and for the first time that day, he was cautious. "We don't want your parents getting mad at us, do we?"

"Very well, throw it down the next chimney."

Hobbes looked at the neighbor's house. His eyes narrowed. He dribbled across the tip of the roof. He grabbed onto it and took a great leap into the air.

Time seemed to slow down. It was like a slow-mo moment you'd see in a TV Basketball. Hobbes took the basketball in both hands, and then took it like he was going to slam dunk at any moment. He let out a long roar as he soared across the neighbor's garage, and then he came to the chimney. He grabbed onto it.

"MERRY CHIRSTMAS!" he shouted for no reason, and he dunked the basketball into the chimney, causing a cloud of ash to float up. "I WIN!"

Calvin rolled his eyes.

"Prima Donna."

Later that day, Calvin and Hobbes got into bed.

"So, what do you think?" Calvin asked. "Average day?"

"Average day," agreed Hobbes.

_I'm sorry this chapter wasn't much, but it's hard to write Calvinball fics. Someone out there try to write one. This is difficult._


End file.
